Colgate Plague: Is this the End?

HAMILTON, NY — Is this how it ends, with not a bang, but a sniffle, followed by a loud-ass (uncovered) cough?  

For the past certain amount of time, virtually everyone at Colgate has been getting sick.  Frats. Sororities. Clubs. Whatever Beta is supposed to be. Faculty. Athletes. The list is endless, with everyone dropping quicker than inhibitions at The Jug.  The theories surrounding the origin of the “Colgate Plague” abound, each more far-fetched than the last.

“Maybe hangovers have, like, mutated.  Cause, like, the only thing here that is, like, more, widespread than this sickness is, like, drinking, so, like, maybe hangovers have, like, mutated.  Like, evolved. It’s, like, certainly something the health, sciency people should look into,” prospective pre-med student Kimberly Kole, class of 2022, said.

Medical officials have been adamant in their belief that The Jug is somehow involved in this ongoing outbreak.  The officials have also been specially (especially? I don’t fucking know. I’m kinda drunk right now.) unshakeable in their denial of the “hangover theory”.

“What?  Fuck no!  Who the hell said that?!  Hangovers don’t “evolve” into whatever the hell is going on here.  No, the most likely scenario is that those freshman-fuckers that jumped into Taylor Lake didn’t follow the rule of avoiding The Jug for three weeks post-dive.  Those horned-up prepubescent nobs probably made-out with someone at The Jug and started this whole epidemic,” an exasperated Dr. Valerie Blathers said from Student Health Services.

The virus is not just affecting the people infected.  The suffering of some at the hands of this sickness-wave has also been greater for some.

“This shit’s really killing my vibe.  My roommate was supposed to go home for the break but then that pussy got sick.  Fucker. I was probably gonna get laid this weekend too!” Known virgin Thad Noplay, class of 2019, said.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC), World Health Organization, and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) are being called for assistance in the diagnosis and treatment of the Colgate community.

President Brian Casey could not be reached for comment.