HAMILTON, NY — The dastardly archvillain known only as the ‘Beef Thief’ was finally caught by police in the throes of September after stealing almost $200 worth of Beef Jerky from Kinney Drugs, causing the whole of the Colgate community to sigh in relief, safe once more in our houses and dorms.
“Your beef is safe,” said Officer Angree Walken of Hamilton Police, better known as Hampo. “Catching scum like this is what we’re here for. This guy was a real professional, repeat, planned criminal, but we got him before he could do any more harm to Hamilton and its people. He really knows his way around a meat stick.” Walken later told Rag reporters that “Beef is a gateway drug to drugs.”
Unfortunately, the thief’s ill-gotten beef gains were not located by either Hampo or Campo (Campus Police), prompting speculation that getting caught was, in fact, part of his plan all along. At least one individual has come from outside New York to Hamilton with the intent of hunting down this enormous motherlode of hidden beef jerky in the last month, and Hampo has outsourced a private detective firm to attempt to locate the hidden beef before treasure hunters can get their paws on it.
The thief, who we are not legally allowed to name under threat of being sued by someone with more power than Beta, was reached for comment. However, after correctly informing the interviewing reporter of his home address and the planned name of his unborn child, we will not be publishing any details of the interview.
“I think it’s terrifying that we had such a cold-blooded, merciless criminal on campus at all.” Said Thaddeus “Chad” Bradsworth, class of 2020. “Nobody would ever do something like this back in Connecticut. It’s just unthinkable, you know? You don’t ever touch another man’s beef.”
Rumours have speculated that the Beef Thief was the true power responsible for the recent raid on the Jug as part of an effort to usurp John Jug’s deathgrip on the barely pubescent yet thoroughly alcoholic manchildren and girls with daddy issues that make up over 70% of the total Colgate population, although these could not be confirmed. Also theorized is that another daring heist is planned in the next few months from behind bars, either to break the Beef Thief out of the impenetrable holding cells of the Madison County Jail or to walk into Whole Foods and stuff another $200 worth of mundane food items into an oversized coat while being recorded by a security camera. Hopefully the Beef Thief is indeed behind bars for good, so that we may put this dark chapter of Colgate history far behind us.
The Monthly Rag 
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