Hamilton, NY — As the flu season once again descends upon the Colgate community, it brings with it this year a surprise – foot-and-mouth disease. For those readers who are uniformed, foot-in-mouth is a disease commonly caught by babies or toddlers who have not yet grown out of their oral fixation stage (is it really a stage though? the amount of juulers on campus say otherwise) and are too stupid to know not to put their foot in their mouth.
Upon hearing an utterly bizarre rumor that foot-in-mouth was going around the Tohos, a team from the Rag was sent to investigate. An encounter with Caroline-Annemarie-Isabella Bennington outside of her place of residence raised our suspicions when she responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” to our queries as to how any self-respecting college student could catch a baby-disease, and then stuffed what looked suspiciously like a wad of diapers into her open Coach bag before scurrying off.
Believing we may have stumbled upon the reluctant mother of a love-child, our very own Hester Prynne (if you don’t understand that reference, it’s time to put down Fortnite and read for once) , who was keeping a small innocent child imprisoned (most likely in a basement cage) to hide her own indiscretions. The Rag team was able to (definitely not forcibly) gain entrance to a Toho and further our investigation. What we found inside was more horrifying than we could have ever anticipated.
As we flung open the door, expecting to find an innocent, imprisoned child to heroically rescue, and then exploit through the publication of a gratuitously self-important article about our unfailing bravery, we were shocked by the sight that awaited out not-entirely-but-close-enough virgin eyes. There, in the middle of the common area, lying on his back with his toes in his mouth was a (surprisingly flexible) adult male, probably between the ages of 20 to 22, 5 feet 10 inches (no, not like that, perverts) and 185.2 pounds crawling around on the floor, wearing a diaper. Lying beside him was what looked to be a baby bottle. The substance contained within that bottle remains unknown, we suspect either a soy milk macchiato only one pump caramel please or Four Loko.
Upon hearing the loud sound of the door slamming, the startled and diapered individual began to wail for “Mommy.” We made our escape just as “Mommy” stuck her hand down the front of the diaper of her “child.” The team here at the Rag would like to remind our readers that we are accepting of all races and sexual identities, but that we strongly discriminate against any fetishes that require one participant to pretend to be a child. We hope this reign of deviant behavior ends before the pandemic spreads throughout the campus. The Monthly Rag firmly denies that these last few sentences are an indulgent attempt at self-preservation.
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