Hamilton, NY — An outbreak of mononucleosis on campus has been confirmed by the student health center. In response to the reports, students have launched a full scale investigation into the extensive web of spit sisters and eskimo brothers in order to predict where the virus will strike next.
An uncharacteristic amount of urgency and motivation that is typically lacking in classwork has been driving this investigation. As Epstein Barr ‘20 eloquently put it, “Mono is totally fucking with the hookup scene here dude. When I’m at the jug, instead of stressing about sneaking a few natty lites past Michelle, I’m stressed about whether some rando chick is gonna give me mono. Mono is like the jug dog, a steaming pile of shit. We need this mono shit shut down and in quarantine so I can get back with the ladies.”
Dorm rooms have been repurposed as a neutral site dedicated to the investigation with numerous sterilization protocols in place. Protocols include the utilization of dental dams when sharing juuls, and the sanitization of all stolen Frank cutlery to be cleaned via Beta’s fraturday punch. For the first time in documented Colgate history, Beta’s punch has been in high demand in light of the outbreak due to its ability to annihilate both the livers of freshmen girls and virus particles. Students have also been directed to sacrifice their door whiteboards to the efforts to draw out an entire map documenting campus hookups in order to identify the infected individuals.
The tracing of the epidemic has caused numerous issues to arise under the investigation’s required oath, with multiple scandals coming to light during the process of tracing the virus’s path. Juniors Jack Smith ‘19 and Matt Johnson ‘19, presidents of the “Saturdays Are For the Boys” club, have witnessed the disastrous social fall out following the investigations first hand. “This whole mono thing is really testing the bros before hoes rule. Finding out I was eskimo brothers with one of my dudes was totally uncool, I totally had dibs on that chick. Bromances are gonna be shattered by this fucking virus,” said Jack Smith ‘19. Johnson was in agreement with Smith, adding, “Our Saturdays are for the Boys club just got a lot smaller. Only true homies that respect bro-code can tap kegs with us.”
This investigation is set to continue until all infected individuals are accounted for and removed from the hookup scene. The pace of the investigation is much slower than anticipated, with complications arising from confusion over whether individuals truly have mono, or are simply hungover from Beta’s magical rohypnol juice.
The Monthly Rag 
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