HAMILTON, NY — A brief, yet passionate relationship came to an end last month, although its death-rattle still echoes throughout the campus. “I thought for sure it’d work out!” bemoaned Chad J. Bildungs when we caught him outside his Broad Street residence Wednesday morning. “Sometimes, even one night together is too much to ask,” he added, definitely not sniffling. A glimmer of a tear may have been seen in Mr. Bildungs’ eye before he revved the engine of his Hummer and drove off the front lawn of his residence, but for the sake of the integrity of the press, we at the Monthly Rag present this as mere speculation. No one else at Mr. Bildungs’ residence was available for additional comment, although several seemed similarly distraught. The underlying cause of Mr. Bildungs’ histrionics was not, in fact, a Tinder match gone wrong, but something more nefarious – a seemingly failed attempt of the College Republicans to bring political figure Ben Shapiro to campus. While the College Republicans’ intentions with Mr. Shapiro were presented to the SGA as nothing but honorable, an anonymous tip that the group had more planned for Mr. Shapiro led the Rag to investigate this matter more deeply.
Rumors that “speechifying” and “question and answer sessions” were merely euphemisms for something more salacious were only the tip of this iceberg. (As a side-note, iceberg lettuce is now the only type of green, leafy vegetable sanctioned by the Rag staff due to the recent romaine fiasco, and we all know it’s only a matter of time until kale gets recalled too, that leafy fucker.) However, despite the amorous advances of the College Republicans towards their Messiah, it appears that, like a one-night stand gone wrong, Mr. Shapiro has ghosted his ardent followers.
“It started off slowly at first,” the same tipster whispered into the phone line, a call that one of us here at the Rag was unlucky enough to receive at 1:37 am on a Wednesday morning, which would have been an ideal time to be getting drunk instead of listening to this hot mess. (Not to be confused with the Cobra Starship song of the same name – this was considerably worse.) “First, he stopped responding to our ‘wyd?? ; p’ messages. Then, he let our Snapchat streak die. What kind of a monster does that?” the whisperer furiously continued, “I am sharing this so you can spread the news to never trust a Republican. They are nothing but bad news and heartbreak.” At this point, the call dissolved into muffled sobs, and the line was cut off, presumably by one of the other people at his residence.
And thus ends this tragedy, which can be best summed up in the words of mediocre sonnet-writer William Shakespeare: For never was a story of more woe, than this of the College Republicans and their Mr. Shapiro.
The Monthly Rag ardently refutes any claim that we tracked the phone used by the anonymous tipster in order to get a statement for the start of this article. If these people are indeed one in the same, that is just sheer coincidence. Shame on you.
The Monthly Rag 