Drinking Yourself a Sweater Doesn’t Work; Stop Trying to Make it Work

HAMILTON, NY — It’s that time of year again. Sources say that if you walk by the trees at night, you can hear the distant sounds of collegiate boys drunkenly screaming along to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas.” Yes, the joyous sounds of winter are in the air. For most, the winter in Hamilton is at best an expected inconvenience, and at worst a grueling six months of cloudy, snowy depression. For a select few freshman, however, this year is full of new experiences. We spoke with Caroline, class of 2022, who is originally from Los Angeles, CA.

When asked to comment on the weather she replied, “this is the first I’ve seen snow in my life. Like, I’ve watched “A Christmas Prince” on Netflix, which is how I assume the winter is going to be, so I’m definitely excited. It’s going to be so much fun!” Oh Caroline, you fool. Freshmen can be seen at any hour of the day “eating shit” on the icy hill walking from Frank to Curtis. California freshmen like Caroline have had their Canada Goose Arctic Expedition jackets out since fall break, thinking, “How much colder could it get?” The answer, Caroline, is much colder.

There have even been reports of students running out of class to play in the snow. We spoke with Kyle, another California freshmen. He shared with us that, “I was in Legacies on Friday, and I just like saw the snow, man. Like, from the sky. I was a little high, because, ya know, it’s Legacies. Anyway, that was the first time I’ve seen snow, like, ever, so I just said, I’m sorry professor, but I need to go play in the snow. She just looked at me blankly and I ran out. She really understood me.”

Kyle isn’t the only one enjoying the winter snow. Freshmen girls love the snow so much they continue to walk to local bar, The Jug, with no jacket for fear that it will disappear into the depths of the building which has been said to go straight into hell. All in all, the winter is bringing unrealistic and unwanted optimism from freshmen, but they will soon learn just what winter in Hamilton is like. It’s not all sleigh bells and “the alcohol is my coat.” That’s Tulane shit. Winter is coming.