HAMILTON, NY — Lines at P Chops became exponentially longer this week after Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced that the e-commerce giant would be setting up shop in Hamilton, NY, for Colgate’s 5,000 Econ majors and 12 comp sci majors, prompting many Amish workers to go on strike.
“I don’t understand how people keep failing to realize that technology borne convenience will be our downfall,” exclaimed Abram Hershberger, a shelf-stocker who joined the strike. “Simplicity is the key to pure living!”
Upon hearing of the controversy that arose around his decision, Bezos commented, “While I hear the grievances of the Amish community surrounding Hamilton, from a purely strategic standpoint, Amazon cannot afford not to make this move. The amount of rich, white, prospective billionaires that can be found on Colgate’s campus can be rivaled only by resorts in Aruba during spring break!”
Bezos’s logic is admittedly quite sound; Colgate acts as home to approximately 4,700 economics majors, despite having a student body of only about 2,800. When asked for an explanation to this paradox, President Brian Casey replied, “Shit, I don’t know– I wasn’t an econ major.”
Amazon also recognized Colgate’s rapidly expanding computer science program as rationale for setting up headquarters in Hamilton; since last year, the number of compsci majors has boomed from 6 to 12, an astonishing 200% increase. Werner Vogels, Amazon’s chief technology officer, voiced his enthusiasm regarding the burgeoning interest in the tech field:
“I think it’s really great that they’re trying, look at the little fellas go!”
Time will tell whether the Amish residents of Hamilton choose to acquiesce to the will of the corporate juggernaut, or risk becoming the test subjects for Amazon’s newest prototype, the Amazon Echo Assault Drone (powered by Amazon AlexaTM), or, in Bezos’s words, “an example.”
The Monthly Rag 
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