Amish Litter Than Any Fraternity Party at Colgate

HAMILTON, NY—As the first semester draws to a close at Colgate University, many students are beginning to grow tired of the typical Saturday night sweat-fest at DU or banal blackouts at the Jug. In response to growing frustrations at the seemingly routine drunken nights, the Rag sent an undercover team to a new party-hot spot: the amish community.

Upon arriving at the Amish compound, our team was pleasantly surprised to see thicc kegs with mysterious contents and the absence of the Colgate “X,” a favorite move of our beloved frat boys that stand guard at the door swagged out in their nike elites. As the night progressed, the compound members got progressively rowdier, chanting old german drinking songs and enthusiastically executing a bangin’ attempt at the Can Can.

The crowd’s sense of tradition as well as their famous moonshine recipe was a hit with the team, giving students a better blackout than the Jug ever has. “The energy was UNREAL. And those farm boys? God DAYUM. They have better arms than any DU football boy I’ve ever seen. I’d be a ho in their field any day,” gushed junior Ginny Tonic. The compound also excelled in their partying attire, with their whole crew smartly dressed in vintage suits and dresses with hipster-esque beards (a total catch). The attire brought an air of class and sophistication to the party while students shotgunned in the horse stalls, an atmosphere that is typically lacking in the frat basements choked with boys wearing identical Lebron James jerseys. “The dress code of the amish parties is baller. For once, I knew for a fact that I looked like the sluttiest girl at the rager. Big ego boost honestly,” senior Tiffany Hilton bragged.

As the night wore on, participants praised the unique music and the appearance of various horses wandering around the field in which the rager was hosted. “You have no idea how glad I am to not hear the same remix of Mo Bamba for the five hundredth time. This new acoustic cover is BANGIN! It’s so much easier to drop it low to,” junior James Smith said. His friend Tina Clark agreed, adding “This music? Lit. And who doesn’t want to play with a horse after downing a tub of moonshine? Lit. And the scenery? I feel so in touch with nature, more so than when I’m passed out in the village green post Jug night.” Our team left around 4am as the rooster began to crow, and were sent home in a VIP horse and buggy in true amish style . “The amish know where it’s at. 10/10 would recommend, they’re the littest frat in town,” said sophomore Dan Harvey before passing out on the steps of Andrews.