‘Gate Proposes New Communities and Identities Class

HAMILTON, NY — Colgate’s required Communities and Identities Courses have offered students the opportunity to explore the traditions, history, and perspectives of global nationalities and ethnicities many incoming freshmen have never experienced, and will be unlikely experienced while attending a university whose racial demographic makes a loaf of Wonderbread seem diverse. However, upon realizing the incredibly unique biome Colgate presents, and the shock many first-year students experience upon enteringour hallowed, Key-stone stained grounds, (and that the strongest cultural whiplash most raiders can endure is a semester abroad in Manchester) the CORE Committee has decided to integrate a novel, applicable communities and identities option for the Fall 2019 semester: CORE’Gate. This class will allow students to study hands-on the new society they have entered, analysing texts and media from such integral sources such as Colgate Barstool and the Maroon News (Blotter only). This will be a unique experience compared to other similar courses, as numerous field trips and interactive experiences will be available for students to engage the fullest of the events and opportunities unique to Colgate’s campus, such as being the only five people at the Jug, trying to decide if Frank’s chicken is raw or not, and recognizing the kid in your Econ class as that dude you sloppily hooked up with at DU and then totally ghosted after he baby-burped Four Loko into your mouth.

For those of weaker stomach, in class assignments will also be encouraged to cement greater class unity and prepare freshman for the interactions on campus they will inevitably encounter, like how to react when a Beta screams the n-word while listening to Travis Scott at a party, or how to prevent your friends from jumping off of Curtis after course selection leaves them stuck in Oceanic Histories, the Challenges with the lowest RateMyProfessor score, and waitlisted for the eight class they actually need to take to complete their majors. One of the most exciting, if controversial aspects of the semester will be the culinary traditions investigation, where students will analyze the repercussions of shotgunning four KeyStones and how to properly grind Xanax into a soluble powder for frat punch. Finals will be forced to be taken hungover, and it is strongly recommended students taking this course invest in Pedialyte.