The Herione Colgate Needs and Deserves

HAMILTON, NY — The hero stood for what is right and tried to save people. No, I am not talking about John Jug. Our savior rose from the cult (though not as cult-y this year) of Gate House. Rumors abound as to the identity of the hero. Most, however, agree that is actually a heroine. While the identity is currently unknown, the story of her heroism has spread through entirety of the campus.

“So, like, I was fucking there. I saw it all. She is such a badass. I mean, like, I wasn’t there there, but I live in Gate House. I mean, lived. Okay, man, it fucking counts. Anyway, I’ve heard the story like a shit ton of times so I know what happened. Okay, so like, the fire alarm starts going off at Gate House and everybody is, like, fucking panicking. But not her. No. You see, she was just getting back to her dorm from, like, class or some shit, when she realizes she’d forgotten her key. Before she’d left that morning, she’d set up a ‘pong table to hone her skills after class. And, like, she was going to play against herself. And, like, bitch cup was a goddamn cup full of vodka. This girl went hard. So, like, she realizes she doesn’t have her key and then remembers of the game she’d setup. She knows she can’t let goddamn campo see that shit. So, she gets this look and—holy shit man. She fucking bullrushes the door. Just like, lowers her shoulder and boom. She does this, like, seven times. Then she starts fucking punching the door. Like, jab, jab, jab, uppercut, body shot, jab, jab, until she makes a hole. Then she sticks her hand through it and opens her door. It was so badass,” Walton “Seventh Year” Logans, class of 2013, said.

As the story spreads through campus, the myth becomes grander and grander.

“I heard that this chick, like, fucking busted down her door with a high heel. She, like, put her hair in a ponytail, grabbed the high heel, and started wailing on that bigass door. It was so cute,” a sexist but well-meaning (I mean, kinda) admirer, Bradley “Rad Brad” Whiteashell, class of 2021, said.

Despite schoolwide clamoring for the heroine to be presented some plaque or commemoration, President Casey has so far refused.

“Guys, she broke down a door. While, yeah, it was badass, I just can’t give an award for that. I just can’t,” Casey said.

In spite of Casey’s failure to acknowledge just how badass the unknown heroine was, campo officers have offered her their unquantified respect.