HAMILTON, NY — As if hard-ass alumni needed any more reason to dislike the current student body, a recent student-led petition to cancel class in the face of “inclement weather” and “frostbite warnings” reached a total of roughly 3,000 signatures. In its usual style of doing something- -but not the right thing–the administration cancelled a few classes to make the Canada-Goose-wearing, hypersensitive, binge-drinking snowflakes just shut the fuck up.

Approximately 46 milliseconds after the petition was posted on Change.org, countless graduates began ranting via Facebook about how Colgate has “gotten soft,” reminiscing on the good ol’ days when professors would rail some dirty white lightening off a copy of Ecce Homo before busting out a lecture on racial phrenology. One alumnus, Richard Kickem, ‘34, approached The Monthly Rag willingly for comment under the impression that people would give a shit about what he had to say, “You have all the stupid millennials believing blatant lies like ‘global warming’ and ‘equality’; it makes me fucking sick. If the world’s heating up, why are you cancelling class because it’s too cold? You are weak, spineless babies who will never know the struggles I went through on the hill, living off of nothing but my trust fund and an 8 ball a week.”

Kickem’s words were but a brief example as to how the climate at Colgate (both literally and metaphorically) is changing. In addition to this statement, The Monthly Rag received an upwards of 4,200 responses to the petition, ranging from rather tame post-Vietnam yuppieisms to all-out rants—some not even attacking the petition but instead viewing it as an opportunity to complain about other things on campus, such as the development of the WMST Center in recent history, the removal of everyone’s favorite Greek Organizations “friend groups,” and Colgate removing their previous limit on how many minorities they would willingly accept at any given time. (Please read into the history of Colgate for more info.)

HAMILTON, NY — “Where did I go so wrong? How did I piss God off so badly that he’s putting me in this position of responsibility?” Junior CL Klue Lesse continued to mutter after the Rag questioned him regarding a recent email he sent to his residents in 133 Broad. “How the fuck does one of the most prestigious universities in the world admit students that behave like this? It’s honestly just embarrassing.”

Lesse continued his rant and finally revealed to us what was bothering him so much. On top of clogging toilets because they dumped their dirty bong water in them, residents of 113 Broad have taken to peeing in empty bottles and leaving them in various locations in the dorm. “The cleaning staff is truly underappreciated when they have to report stuff like this to me,” Lesse spoke sadly, “and there’s even more that goes on beyond the pee-bottles.”

The first-floor wake and bakers (having once again stayed home from class to smoke) thought they had been hearing weird noises, but it turns out one suite of 4 girls literally just had 5 puppies. They just kept real live dogs in their rooms. Is that even legal? Should we have called the humane society or something? The puppies were unregistered but discovered after each one had its own instagram created for it. “Super, super cute, don’t get me wrong” Lesse defended himself, “but I have to do my job you know? Plus, tiny dogs like that can’t just live between a dorm room and brief potty breaks in the snow. It’s just not right”

All in all, I think it’s fair to conclude that CLs deal with some wack shit and that the Colgate student body is not nearly intelligent as the school likes us to think. Being booksmart isn’t an excuse to pee in water bottles, steal peoples’ laundry, or toss a chair through a window.