Interview: Campus Security

HAMILTON, NY – Calamity struck Colgate when winter decided to exist. 13 founders with 13 dollars each decided that the best location for a school three hours from the Canadian border was on top of a hill. Rumor has it that the oldest hazing ritual was simply going down from West to Taylor Lake without slipping on the perilous ice and experiencing 13 fractures on the way. Such an activity is a favorite for the Campus Safety officers as they watch students tumble when they enter and exit Frank Dining Hall. 

“The actual act of falling is a spiritual experience if you ask me. The moment I dislocated my shoulder my mind transferred to the life I could have had at a warmer school like UCLA,” said local Colgate student Bryan Orkin. Unfortunately, any further explanation by Bryan was cut short by the sound of the incoming ambulance. 

“You know, aside from awkward car coitus, watching people fall from the warm interior of my van is probably my favorite activity at Colgate,” said Campus Safety officer S. Lippy, who at the time of interview had just recovered from three minutes of solid laughter as he removed the salt that was placed in front of Frank. 

When pressed for explanation on why this brings such great joy to him, S. Lippy simply laughed and pointed members of the press to the freshman boy who had done a split for the first time in his life. 

“It’s not just all fun and games here. There’s a practical reason for all this too. If I see someone fall I have reason to believe that they are intoxicated. You can’t be prejudiced if you have a seven second loop of the perpetrator on Snap.” explained Campus Safety officer T. Ryhardt, as he was keeping a keen eye on the incarcerated sophomore girl in the backseat. Sophomore girl Kierstan Stone was still in bewilderment of the whole situation and promptly asked the officer, “Why am I being taken in a squad car? I can walk fine” to the answer “So I can charge you a transportation fee for wasting Campus Safety’s time as you take time away from our more dire duties.”