HAMILTON, NY — As if hard-ass alumni needed any more reason to dislike the current student body, a recent student-led petition to cancel class in the face of “inclement weather” and “frostbite warnings” reached a total of roughly 3,000 signatures. In its usual style of doing something- -but not the right thing–the administration cancelled a few classes to make the Canada-Goose-wearing, hypersensitive, binge-drinking snowflakes just shut the fuck up.
Approximately 46 milliseconds after the petition was posted on Change.org, countless graduates began ranting via Facebook about how Colgate has “gotten soft,” reminiscing on the good ol’ days when professors would rail some dirty white lightening off a copy of Ecce Homo before busting out a lecture on racial phrenology. One alumnus, Richard Kickem, ‘34, approached The Monthly Rag willingly for comment under the impression that people would give a shit about what he had to say, “You have all the stupid millennials believing blatant lies like ‘global warming’ and ‘equality’; it makes me fucking sick. If the world’s heating up, why are you cancelling class because it’s too cold? You are weak, spineless babies who will never know the struggles I went through on the hill, living off of nothing but my trust fund and an 8 ball a week.”
Kickem’s words were but a brief example as to how the climate at Colgate (both literally and metaphorically) is changing. In addition to this statement, The Monthly Rag received an upwards of 4,200 responses to the petition, ranging from rather tame post-Vietnam yuppieisms to all-out rants—some not even attacking the petition but instead viewing it as an opportunity to complain about other things on campus, such as the development of the WMST Center in recent history, the removal of everyone’s favorite Greek Organizations “friend groups,” and Colgate removing their previous limit on how many minorities they would willingly accept at any given time. (Please read into the history of Colgate for more info.)
“See, my problem isn’t that women are now allowed at Colgate, it’s that they seem to have forgotten the original purpose of their admission,” explained one Henry “Tiny” Johnson, ‘73. “They were brought here so the hard-working men could find appropriate wives; we even gave their rooms access to ironing boards and extra hanging rods so they could understand womanly duties!”
The words of both Kickem and Johnson may be harsh for our now-sensitive ears. Maybe the student body has gone soft in their lack of rampant objectification of women and concern for their own safety and wellbeing when climbing up an ice-coated mountain. In times like these, both Johnson and Kickem recommend that we all pay attention to the real men on campus: Theta Chi, Men’s Lacrosse, and Beta Theta Pi—the boys who could never do wrong.
The Monthly Rag 
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