Abandoned Condom Inspires New Cult in Gatehouse
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — “I couldn’t believe it,” explained freshman Buddy “Butt” Stuff, “the used condom had been there for an upwards of eleven hours, and every time I stared at it, it stared right back at me.”
The now-dubbed “Gatehouse Cult Condom” gained rapid recognition as a local celebrity due to its amazing charisma in the face of adversity and its willingness to help those in need; but, just as quickly as it had arrived, God decided that He needed that angel back.
“I remember the first time I met GCC,” stated another freshman who wished to remain anonymous. “It was there, right in the middle of the hall, right after I failed my mid-term and attempted to drink my sorrows away with some pruno I made in the bathroom. In my drunken state, I began talking to it, and minutes became hours. It listened to me—cared for me, even. It was absolutely miraculous.”
Over time, the Gatehousers made offerings to the condom, giving it miscellaneous goods like Backwoods and food from the Coop. Once its influence spread past the hastily-built student barracks, however, GCC’s following began to change from lost and wary spirits to indoctrinated zealots, defending the front-sock’s honor voraciously.
“At one point, we had established guard patrols to ensure that no one would touch our Lord GCC. It took 23 of Colgate’s best janitors to power through our goat-sacrificing ceremony and finally throw him into the trash about four feet away,” explained Stuff.
And despite the condom’s eventual end, it appears to have left a secret society in its wake, known only as the “Colgate Condom Cult,” or Tri Chi, Triple X, Iple Tri, TC, Trix, Chi Chi Chi, and the onomatopoetic “ckckck.” Very little is known about this mysterious group, save for their first ritual: eating an entire pack of Trojans.
We here at the Rag were lucky enough to interview one of the founders of Tri Chi, who explained the oddity of their central symbol: “I mean, yeah, it’s kind of fucking stupid that our deity is a used dickwrap, but when you think about it, it doesn’t seem that bad. I mean, what’s Tri Delt’s thing? A fucking dolphin? These symbols don’t mean anything, nor do the handshakes, nor does your college social status at a school of roughly 3,000 people. It’s pointless, and you’re all trying too hard. Beta even tried to be that kid who’s like, ‘Fuck you guys, I have a dragon.’ Eat shit, idiot; dragons aren’t real. Condom God.”
One can see the mythological Tri Chi as many things: some view it as ironic anti-Greek sentiments taken form; others consider it to be a breath of fresh air in Colgate’s stale social scene. All that can be confirmed about the organization itself, however, is that its charismatic messiah will never be forgotten. GCC’s burial will be held at the Madison County Solid Waste Dump in Canastota, NY, and all donations at said event will go directly to efforts in distributing condoms across the globe; this single action is projected to immediately place Tri Chi at the head of all philanthropic activity at Colgate, beating out unarguably rigorous competition in the process.
March Madness Proves to be Emotional Rollercoaster for Students, Athletes & Band
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Colgate’s March Madness game against Tennessee left Raiders with the same feeling as writing an essay after a Fraturday: a rollercoaster of emotions beginning with the belief that there is no way this should be happening and ending with a feeling that this could have ended a lot more poorly. Through the ups and downs, hopes built, expectations crumbled, victories gained in despite of losses, and Keystones consumed, students noticed something a bit off about the university’s pep band: we had a pep band. Not just a half dozen kids reviving the trauma of your fourth grade recorder recital, but an actual amalgamation of musicians providing entertainment and ambiance to the stands. The sight, to those who care enough about pep band to actually notice, left a myriad of questions: who were these imposters, why were they here, and where was the humble group of merrymakers to remind us all why we quit band sophomore year of highschool.
Upon learning that Colgate had been given the resources to ship the band, and the band itself had expressed desire to embarrass themselves on national television, it became obvious that it was the administration itself which had decided that an outside source needed to be hired. “It is the bicentennial and our first time playing in March Madness since I had hair,” said an anonymous member of the Colgate staff responsible for this undercover job, “we couldn’t let this publicity go to waste just cause some kid choked on his tuba.”
It appears that the higher ups of the university went to extensive lengths to try and prevent the band from going to the tournament; percussion instruments were tossed into Taylor Lake, music sheets were fed to Emrys, raw chicken was rubbed on the mouths of the brass instruments in the hopes that enough students would contract salmonella and be unable to attend. Despite all efforts, the day of the flight the band was ready for the airport packed, prepared, and only smelling faintly of undercooked poultry. “We had one last plan,” the staff member explained, “we had already spent donor funding on the other band. We had to do something, so we just told the cruiser driver in charge of taking them to the airport to run late, turns out he was already 40 minutes behind schedule so it wasn’t a problem.” The Administration, now facing serious backlash for its dismissal and exclusion of the Peb Band, is sad and confused. Spokesman Beau Ocracy offered a statement for the Rag, “I suppose this was all just an underestimation of the student body’s capacity for apathy. They just don’t care about most things, we never expected it to be the Pep Band they’d give a fuck about.”
Health Center Reports Shocking Rates of Nerf-Related Injuries
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON NY — “It just whooshed passed me so quick,” says Vulner Able ’22, a Drake Hall resident, of his dangerously close encounter with a Nerf bullet. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m living in fear of the violence.” Able provided this harrowing tale to Rag reporters at the scene of a reckless Nerf gun shootout which began in the Drake 3rd floor common room at about 8:30 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, and which has yet to subside weeks later. The shootout was reportedly started by two local Nerf gun owners, Tru- leigh A. Threatte and Literalleigh Ruth Lesse in desperate pursuit of entertainment within the confines of the usually peaceful and safe dormitory walls. What started, however, as a banterous bullet exchange between friends quickly escalated to become a source of dorm-wide distress. The shootout, which now reportedly involves tens of Drake residents, has devastated the Ciccone Commons community; the estimated death toll now exceeds 4,000.
The Rag reached out to the CL on duty on that first evening for some more details. “It isn’t the agonizing, hideous welts that have formed on my body as a result of my being mercilessly pegged every time I leave my room,” expresses the CL, who has opted to remain anonymous. “It isn’t the sight of the countless of my fallen residents, whose injured bodies litter the hallway, either. What gets me is the constant, maniacal fucking screeching.” His eyes deaden as he describes the haunting sounds that escape the mouths of the (nerf) gunmen as they shower their peers with bullets.
A video taken by a fearful bystander during the initial incident captures some of these haunting, inhuman vocalizations. We took this footage straight to our on-hand team of behavioral specialists to get some answers. After careful study of the footage by our team, essential questions were raised. “What the fuck is this, a joke?” inquired one member of the team. After hours of examining the video, the team concluded their investigation by using the footage to create a music video with an auto tuned compilation of the screeches as a melody. “It’s a bop, honestly,” said the Chief Behavioral Specialist of their production.
No further action has reportedly been taken to stop the violence, though the situation worsens with each passing day. “I heard they got another shipment of Nerf bullets on Amazon yesterday. The kind with the suction cups at the front,” an anonymous Drake resi- dent and mother of five wept in the arms of a Rag reporter. The situation is evidently very grim. Stay indoors, Ciccone Commons residents, or risk a dangerous death by Nerf.
New Music System at Frank Excites Student-Robbers
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — At approximately 9 in the morning on Friday, March 15, the Colgate community was rocked by scandal. Someone had, once again, stolen a loaf of white bread from Frank.
“I just don’t feel safe anymore. First it was bread. Just bread. But the rush of stealing that loaf evaporated quickly. Then they started stealing trays of food. Then came furniture. The rush from stealing all that stuff will eventually evaporate, too. What’s going to happen when it does? What will these looters do? Who will protect us?” first-year Kiera Franks said.
The March 15th loaf heist was the 60th robbery of the month. Among the other items to be stolen were: avocados, “mixie” cups, trays of fries, whole pizzas, a napkin dispenser, 9 chairs, 3 small “mahogany” tables, 2 doors, and 10 salad bowls. The Rag sent an undercover journalist to infiltrate the team of robbers to understand these thefts.
“Holy shit. This was exhilarating. I stole a napkin dispenser. Do I know why? No. Do I regret it? No, that shit was fucking thrilling. This has definitely opened up some career possibilities for me; I want to feel that goddamn rush again,” the anonymous undercover Rag journalist said.
Despite the reluctance to disclose the information with the reputable Rag, the undercover journalist eventually shared the information that they had gathered. “You guys are blowing up my spot, ya know. Fucking dicks. Okay, fine. It’s damn freshmen: drunk freshmen, hungry freshmen, bored freshmen, poor freshmen who steal food for upperclassmen,” the journalist said.
After reaching an agreement of anonymity, the ringleader of the thieving operation agreed to an interview. “No one reads this shit anyway. I’ll fucking tell you what I’ll steal next—a TV. Fuck that new music system. They don’t even have Thotiana. How am I supposed to get these hoes to bust down when there’s no goddamn Blueface blaring through Frank? I’m providing a service here. I’m bettering Colgate, saving it from itself,” the ringleader said.
The theft has yet to take place, but Frank employees are ready. “Take it, take them all. Please. That noise is grating. It’s incessant. I can’t put up with that and drunk, horned up, teenagers at 2 a.m.” said Frank cashier Fleming Jay.
SPW Event Lineup Preview Best Described as “Yikes”
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — This year, Colgate is turning away from the typical Spring Party Weekend format of focusing funding and organizing efforts towards the Saturday concert, as too many students choose to forgo the event in favor of resting after Block Party before staying up all night. Instead, the money is going directly to various student organizations, so Colgate students will get to attend several smaller concerts with even worse artists spread out over several days. With a funding allocation board consisting primarily of Beta Theta Pi members, we are sure to be in for a wild weekend. Here are some of the events rumored to be taking place:
1. Mason Ramsey, Thursday Night at DU’s Hoedown
If that name doesn’t ring a bell, you’re not alone. Most people never bothered to learn his name beyond “yodel boy,” and his career peaked last year during his brief appearance at Coachella and spot on the Ellen Show. He’s put out some country songs of his own since then, but unsurprisingly people found it weird to listen to an 11-year-old sing about love and he’s faded into obscurity. His appearance fees are so low now that DU was able to snag him for less than they normally would pay for a DJ for their Saturday night party, and his signature cowboy-boots-and-hat look fits perfectly with the theme of the event. Get ready to get down to some of the best yodeling you’ve ever heard.
2. Lil Dicky, Friday Night at Phoam
Anyone who’s ever happened to see Lil Dicky in concert knows he likes to get weird. His signature routine often involves bringing a girl up on stage and stripping for her, moving his tighty-whitey covered ass in a way that no audience member could ever forget. Apparently Lil Dicky decided he didn’t even need to be paid to appear at Phi Delt as the prospect of jumping around half-naked and covered in foam with a bunch of college kids was too exciting for him to decline. He simply requested free alcohol and drugs and dibs on the hottest girl at the after party. We recommend avoiding contact with him at all costs.
3. Macklemore, Saturday at Parker Commons
In an effort to make a school-hosted event seem maybe worthwhile, Parker Commons sprang for an artist that everyone has actually heard of. It turns out that Macklemore charges by the song, so with their limited budget the school was only able to afford his most well known song,“Thrift Shop.” Macklemore will be singing this on repeat for an hour, but most students are reportedly planning on leaving as soon as they’ve posted a couple of snap stories.
Luckily, most of the regular fraternity-sponsored events will still be happening so you don’t have to subject yourself to these low-budget concert alternatives. Get ready for one of the weirdest weekends at Colgate yet.
SGA Fails at Adequately Providing Student Body with Free Chik-Fil-A
March 31, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Midterms week is full of students debating whether or not to Jug and get that hook up or to study for the test they are going to half-ass anyways. Two weeks out, SGA started advertising their Chick-Fil-A study break, as if students needed an excuse to stop studying. Freshman Dick Richardson stated, “the seducing flyers and Instagram stories sent out by all the hot SGA members confirmed that I was going to skip the Jug because I was promised meat. I was unsure what kind of meat I was getting, but hey, any meat is good.” Monday March 4th was the day: the day of the meat. Freshman Sally Dunkin stated, “I camped out at the Coop for days to get my Chick-Fil-A and want to know what happened? The meat was not secured.” SGA failed again. Brian Cummings, president of the freshman class, stated “we ordered over 400 pieces of meat, $600 worth, and we were dumbasses once again and failed to realize how many people needed meat on a Monday night. To be quite honest, we were thinking all the horny-ass freshman dudes were going to shotgun 13 beers to gain their confidence to secure their meat at the Jug”. What kind of meat was he talking about? Good question, we asked, and Cummings stated “Jug dogs? Definitely not. Jug dogs are only purchased to flock the ladies.”
Anyways, back to the story: SGA failed again. The line was long; people were angry. As SGA realized how much of a shit-show they got themselves into once AGAIN, the night got worse. The meat was rationed; your choice was either 4 nugs or 2 strips, plus all the sauce us saucy kids like. Sophomore Ryan Park stated, “I am so glad I was able to secure the nugs for free, rather than spending $5 for the unsure hookup.” There were fewer nugs than people. The Jug was packed later that evening due to the unforeseen meat shortage. Note to self: do not go to SGA events, unless you want to waste your time for the chance at “free” food. It is not quite free because you’ll waste your goddamn time—the time you could be using fucking an SGA member.
SPW Preparations: How to Not Die
March 30, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — In April, Spring Party Weekend AKA: SPW AKA: the Reason 42.0% of Colgate Students Attend Colgate 2k19 will take place. With another SPW comes another class of first-years and transfers to experience the weekend festivities for the first time.
“SPW is wild. Can you see this? In my mouth right here? That empty space between my incisors right there in the top row? SPW ’17. God, I love this school,” the class of 2020’s probable Salutatorian Hunter Warbucks said.
The first thing to do in preparation for your inaugural SPW is calling your mother. “I hadn’t talked to my mom in, like, 3 months. Calling her from Community Memorial Hospital to ask my blood type was definitely not how I wanted to reopen that line of communication. I cannot stress this enough—know your blood type before SPW,” Jenny Hawkins, class of 2021, said.
After learning your blood type, you should promptly make some reservations before all the rooms are reserved on this very special weekend. “I was a dumbass my freshman year; I was left out in the cold like a schmuck. It really ruined all my plans. Now, I just make sure to call and reserve a room a couple weeks ahead. They get the IV drips prepped and the cot all set up for you if you call early. They also get you some Gatorade. Make sure to ask for nurse Carol, she’s the sweetest,” Xander Martinez, class of 2019, said.
The final step for SPW preparation is limited to Colgate athletes. “You need some clean piss. No matter what, you will need clean piss. I was straight-edge my freshman year. After SPW, I tested positive for weed, coke, LSD, e, and benzos. Thank god there were no games left. Shit could have really fucked up my career. I make sure to have a couple bottles of clean pee at all times now. The system of pick-ups at Curty are fucked now, but let me know if you need any; I know a guy,” Zachary Quinton, class of 2020, said.
New Bicentennial “C” Logo Beloved By None
March 30, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — Earlier this month, select Rag writers and editorial staff were summoned to James B. Colgate Hall where we were told that, due to the fact that we have a readership that extends beyond our own aunts, for once we would be given the honor being able to just reprint the administration’s words verbatim and call it an original article. Beloved University President Brian Casey granted the Rag an exclusive interview to outline his new plans.
“The occasion of Colgate’s Bicentennial celebration is an opportunity both to reflect on our storied past and great traditions and to look forward on our bright future. Our new C is designed to embody that spirit. This elegant new design will represent our proud university for a whole new generation of students, while paying homage to our past, by being designed on the Black Ops II Gamer Clan Tag Generator. Using cutting edge 2012 in-game design technology, our new C draws inspiration from some of the greats, like PuzZyLIKKeR, rayray69, and PAWGwgGAYNG.
“We recognize that, in the spirit of Black Ops II, our next 200 years will likely be pretty fine but not as good as the first. People come up to me and they say ‘President Casey, what was wrong with the old logo? This C looks like dogshit, seriously, it’s one of the laziest things I’ve ever seen,’ and I reply ‘Indeed, it perfectly captures the essence of an essay someone wrote the day of after going to the Jug.’
“Its smooth edges represent our proud hill, its toilet lid shape recalls the bathrooms at Tach, and its dark gold color represents the only shade of yellow available on the game’s color palette. When our student athletes travel to compete across these United States, their opponents will remark ‘Hey, your C looks like a logo I designed to use on my friend’s XBOX in middle school when everyone was yelling at me to hurry up so we could play,’ or ‘That logo looks like something a guy who’s trying to run a fake college out of a Tallahassee trailer park to scam the government for student loan money might come up with,’ and they will be right.
“Was changing our emblem an idea that some administrator came up with to justify the existence of his own job? It was, and this fucked up looking C will still wave proudly over our great campus when your children are accepted here due to their legacy status. By the way, we’re changing the motto too. No more Deo ac Veritati, it’s going to be Call of Duty from now on.”
Main Moon Employees Tougher than Most Navy SEALS
March 30, 2019 by Leave a Comment
HAMILTON, NY — A recent senior research project by Psychology major Hava Brayn has found that Main Moon employees have the same stone-cold mental abilities as CIA operatives and Navy SEALS. The study examined the brain activity caused by “high pressure and terrifying” scenarios, according to Brayn.
“Not gonna lie,” she said, “I was inspired to do this research during a trip to the Main Moon buffet after fraturday. I witnessed dozens of students mobbing the restaurant and grabbing orange chicken out of the buffet with their hands while the employees calmly manned the front counter and replenished the food.” Brayn told the Rag that at first she assumed the employees were “dead inside” from weekly exposure to trauma post-fraturday, but when she watched more closely she noticed they were actually simply immune to the entire cluster-fuck going on around them.
The experiment involved monitoring brain activity of the Main Moon employees during a regular business day and a Saturday evening, and comparing them to the brain scans of CIA agents in declassified government documents. “When I first compared the brain scans, I was confused,” Brayn said. “I thought I accidentally copied the same results, but it turns out the employees brains are indistinguishable from a CIA agent under extreme pressure.”
The Rag asked other Colgate students their experiences with post-fraturday Main Moon. “Honestly man, I’ve seen some shit,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “I won’t name names, but I’ve definitely seen a tray of Lo Mein dumped on the floor and used as a medium for snow angels.” Another student, John Hammeredstein, mentioned a time that he witnessed a “Main Moon employee calmly step over two passed-out students in order to refill the water jugs in the fridge and wipe down the tables.”
The next time you see a glassy-eyed, stone-faced restaurant employee just remember that you might actually be face to face with one the toughest minds society has to offer.
The Monthly Rag 