Weird and Mediocre Publication Celebrates a Decade of… this?

HAMILTON, NY — The aptly named “Monthly Rag” celebrated a full decade of serving the Colgate community as deforestation material and drunk toilet paper. From its humble beginnings being stapled to the billboards in the library to its humbler modernity being read by you for some incomprehensible reason, the Rag has been shitting on Colgate for ten years now and everyone is slightly worse off for it.

Originally, the Monthly Rag was named because it was printed on the torn, stolen clothing of unsuspected students who Rag reporters, then called “Raggers”, ambushed and knocked unconscious in the Donovan’s parking lot. The first three years of the Rag’s history were marked by the Rag-Colgate war, which ended in a peace treaty wherein the Student Government Association agreed to give the Rag a yearly stipend of $10 to purchase a box of crayons and a notebook. The first four editions of the Rag were crudely drawn over the pages of that single notebook and passed around one-by-one in the Coop until an intrepid editor-in-chief managed to steal a printer from the Maroon News, which is still being used to date. But even though the magazine was no longer printed out on rags, it was still a rag at heart, and the content has never improved from the days of the Raggers and likely never will.

“Why are we still funding that piece of shit?” daid Student Government Representative Nathan Yudopolis upon being told of the Rag’s tenth anniversary. “All they do is whine about cooler people and make up stories about Beta. Didn’t they run a piece last month calling us do-nothing assholes?” After these statements, Nathan noticed the nearby Rag reporter, who was promptly pointed out and choked out by four SGA members who reportedly shouted “CAN’T HIDE BEHIND YOUR SATIRE NOW, RAG BOY” to the unconscious Rag reporter. Further reports will come as the situation develops, although the Monthly Rag is already reassembling a team of Raggers to secure a steady supply of printing material for the inevitable defunding that will be announced with the next budget proposal.