Colgate Student Body Still Haunted by Bottle Pissers

HAMILTON, NY — “Bottles of urine have been found in trash cans on the 1st floor Curtis hallways. This is unacceptable and unhygienic. Students should be utilizing the rest- rooms within their communities.”

The above quote by Ciccone Commons leader Yur Inn sums up the sentiments of The Monthly Rag as a flood of reports have rained in. What started as a local Curtis phenomena has now turned the entire Colgate campus into an abyss of piss.

“I remember the good old days when people had the decency to pee out their window” reminisced local Senior Oreen Ar as she disgustedly stared at the bottle of urine by the front door of Gate House.

An investigation was taken to determine just who, or what, is producing all this urine. Investigators were concerned with the fact that there were ten new 16.9 oz urine bottles found between March 4th and 5th. That would equate to 169 ounces or about 1.3 gallons of urine.

“Either one person is a pee making factory and was able to casually stroll around with a gallon of urine unnoticed or we’re dealing with a group of misfits. We suspect this is a fraternity doing a midterm hazing to weed out some of the less radical members” Speculated Campus Safety Officer Veer Tsa.

When asked for a response all of the fraternity leaders banded together for once to draft the following response: “Ew, gross.”

One of the more fortunate leads however came in yesterday as a freshman, who has asked to be referred to as a POS (Pissed Off Student) for anonymity, came forth with his shocking experience.

“Look I know everyone thinks it’s me because I sometimes ricochet my piss at Phi Delt but that’s different! There is no art in just pissing in a bottle and even less in just letting it idle in a common room. But despite all these inconsistencies I got this letter outside my dorm.” Exclaimed the POS as he dug extra long in his pants pocket to retrieve the letter. The contents read:

“You have been pissing a certain someone off and now yuo [sic] will be pissed on as well (no homo not that there’s anything wrong with that). Upload a confession of your sins by Friday night or Colgate’s official color will become yellow. Share this letter if you please, it will not do you any good. -ICUP”

Despite the threat, the POS puffed his chest up for the golden shower of ruin that may befall him, refusing to answer any questions regarding the ‘sins’ the letter mentioned. Only time will tell of just who, or what, is responsible for pissing off the populace.