HAMILTON, NY — Disaster recently struck Hamilton’s beloved Community Memorial Hospital after their supply of acetaminophen and ibuprofen, commonly sold under the brand names Tylenol and Advil, was deemed empty. While the hospital usually purchases a bulk order for the entire school year, the overwhelming number of cases of mono, strep, and other “kissing diseases” has tested the limits of our local healthcare system. After much deliberation regarding their budget and capabilities, the Board of Directors at the hospital decided the best course of action was to step outside of their comfort zone and begin practicing medicine more advanced than The Coop Store’s mini pharmacy.
Some concerns have been raised regarding how well a facility made up almost entirely of interns can treat diseases without their go-to panaceas, but Community Memorial’s Dr. Trevor Corey assured The Monthly Rag that all would be well.
Dr. Corey also had some opinions regarding the origin of these outbreaks, claiming “John Jug and his House of Whoring has cost the hospital thousands in easily accessible over the counter drugs. His business’s ability to convince freshmen to trade saliva with strangers is truly the worst disease I’ve ever seen.” He also attacked frat parties and their hookup culture, but some of our freshmen writers’ hopes to get a bid next year will keep these comments in the dark.
Community Memorial Hospital emphasized that their lack of the weakest painkillers known to man will only affect a small portion of their day to day work, as the majority is made up of alcohol poisoned lightweights who are convinced they are heavyweights. As for the future, the hospital plans to entirely revamp their treatment programs. Starting next school year, acetaminophen and ibuprofen will no longer be given to every sick student that walks through their doors. Instead, their staff will begin using essential oils and healing crystals to cleanse students’ bodies through their souls.
The Monthly Rag 
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