‘Gate Student Body Partakes in Touching Religious Ceremony

HAMILTON, NY — Violent waves of students have stormed the streets this weekend for a holiday that celebrates the Saint that brought Catholicism to the Irish. This display of religious piety is truly inspiring to the entire town of Hamilton. In keeping with tradition, students wore green, a nod to Saint Patrick’s love for Shrek, and guzzled the limited edition Shamrock Shake, another favorite of Patrick’s. Some exceptionally devout students were seen fighting their way through the Jug line, eager to pay their respects to Saint Patrick as soon as possible.

It is said that the Jug on Saint Patrick’s eve is a magical place. One can truly connect with Patrick through John Jug’s limited edition cocktails that are greener than that girl puking in the corner. We interviewed a traditional dancer during the celebration by the name of Skylar. We asked her what inspired her moves with Bradley, the young man performing with her. “Well,” she remarked, “I just think that everyone can be a little Irish today! It’s too good an excuse to not get fucked up, ya know? I also look really hot in green.” It is truly clear that Saint Patrick brings young people together.

We also talked to Vanessa, a sophomore who attended the Old Stone Jug services this past weekend. When asked about her connection to Saint Patrick, she replied, “Well, my dad’s great grandmother’s cousin moved to Ireland. I went on Ancestry. So I just feel really connected to her today, and I want to celebrate the person who founded Ireland. I’m seriously considering studying abroad there.” This statement is truly a testament to the deeply spiritual and emotional nature of St. Patrick’s Day. Vanessa was clad in traditional fashion: a green crop top paired with green clover pajama pants, and some shamrock glasses. Observing the others who celebrate this famed and glorious holiday, there are some men wearing basketball jerseys, in honor of one of Saint Patrick’s favorite pastimes. Every person in attendance additionally drinks the sacred nectar of Saint Patrick: watered down Keystone Lite. Saint Patrick himself was said to have founded the Keystone brewing company, after he invented alcohol. His stores have now become the holy sacrament taken by his followers to channel his good graces for another year of relative sobriety.