HAMILTON, NY — A recent senior research project by Psychology major Hava Brayn has found that Main Moon employees have the same stone-cold mental abilities as CIA operatives and Navy SEALS. The study examined the brain activity caused by “high pressure and terrifying” scenarios, according to Brayn.
“Not gonna lie,” she said, “I was inspired to do this research during a trip to the Main Moon buffet after fraturday. I witnessed dozens of students mobbing the restaurant and grabbing orange chicken out of the buffet with their hands while the employees calmly manned the front counter and replenished the food.” Brayn told the Rag that at first she assumed the employees were “dead inside” from weekly exposure to trauma post-fraturday, but when she watched more closely she noticed they were actually simply immune to the entire cluster-fuck going on around them.
The experiment involved monitoring brain activity of the Main Moon employees during a regular business day and a Saturday evening, and comparing them to the brain scans of CIA agents in declassified government documents. “When I first compared the brain scans, I was confused,” Brayn said. “I thought I accidentally copied the same results, but it turns out the employees brains are indistinguishable from a CIA agent under extreme pressure.”
The Rag asked other Colgate students their experiences with post-fraturday Main Moon. “Honestly man, I’ve seen some shit,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “I won’t name names, but I’ve definitely seen a tray of Lo Mein dumped on the floor and used as a medium for snow angels.” Another student, John Hammeredstein, mentioned a time that he witnessed a “Main Moon employee calmly step over two passed-out students in order to refill the water jugs in the fridge and wipe down the tables.”
The next time you see a glassy-eyed, stone-faced restaurant employee just remember that you might actually be face to face with one the toughest minds society has to offer.
The Monthly Rag 
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