HAMILTON, NY — Last week, Colgate’s chemistry department published findings related to sticky floors at parties. “The results are absolutely astounding,” said head of research and chemistry Professor James Jamison. “The data show us a bell curve related to party litness. The party reaches a peak but when the floors become too sticky, partygoers leave.”
Professor Jamison said the research question developed when one of his students described how she left a party after her Adidas Superstar stuck to the floor. “It was so disgusting. I stepped on DU’s floor with no shoe barrier. I don’t think I’ll ever recover,” said Emily Reid. When Jamison probed his class and discovered other students felt the same way, he knew he had his work cut out for him.
“If the floors are too clean, I just don’t trust it, you know?” said sophomore Olivia Reynolds. “Like, am I here too early? If the floor sticky you know that everyone has been having a good time for a while now. I think it’s way harder to slip on, too.”
“Best fucking research job ever. I just had to go to as many parties as possible, take samples of the floors every so often, and describe how lit it was. Jamison didn’t care what I did as long as he got his data,” said John Wilson, one of the student researchers working on the project.
Many frats plan to implement the findings into their parties. “We’ve learned that if the floors are a bit sticky before we start, the party will get crazy way faster,” said Isaac Dean, president of Phi Delta Theta. Jamison plans to mimic the study based on ground muddiness on Fraturday. “I want to see if it has the same impact. Is there a level that students will not endure?”
The Monthly Rag 
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