HAMILTON, NY — On Friday, March 22, the Colgate Raiders made the trek of a lifetime to Columbus, Ohio to play against the Tennessee Volunteers with the support of the entire school behind them; we all remember this day well — or at least the bits and pieces in between brown-outs—and how our basketball boys made everyone shit collective pant. The rest of the world was shocked. Who are these warriors of the court? Where in the world is Hamilton? Why do all of their band-members look like human dolls?
You may have seen them briefly as the camera panned past 30 identical, robotic faces,. To quote a bystander who walked past them on the court, “They all looked dead, yet stood at attention. They were white, pasty band nerds, but I knew there was a problem because none of them suffered from any acne or anxiety or the willingness to die at any second, you know, like a usual college kid. They were so… smooth… and maybe even a bit slimy… like a bunch of 5’8” newborn babies.”
Immediate outrage hit social media after the game, but not because the Vols literally almost lost to a team that hadn’t been in an NCAA tournament since 1996; instead, many Colgate students were, according to some interviewees, “fucking pissed” that these lifeless automatons had replaced the pep-band we had all come to kind-of-but-not-really know. One sophomore, Sechs Uwalin Nuendo, was available for comment:
“You know, I had always seen some kid wearing some pep-band merch in my class, and I’ve heard that they’re fucking weapons but I’ve never seen them perform. [March 22] was their day to shine—was their day to ‘doot doot!’ or whatever the fuck they do; I don’t know—and the administration stripped that from them and replaced them with sentient mannequins. It was the most Colgate thing I had ever seen, like giving Summer Funding to kids going into finance instead of non-profit.”
As of press time, Rag reporters have launched investigation “Mannequin Challenge” hoping to identify other instances in which members of the student body may have been replaced by these humanoid creations.
The Monthly Rag 
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