HAMILTON NY — “It just whooshed passed me so quick,” says Vulner Able ’22, a Drake Hall resident, of his dangerously close encounter with a Nerf bullet. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I’m living in fear of the violence.” Able provided this harrowing tale to Rag reporters at the scene of a reckless Nerf gun shootout which began in the Drake 3rd floor common room at about 8:30 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, and which has yet to subside weeks later. The shootout was reportedly started by two local Nerf gun owners, Tru- leigh A. Threatte and Literalleigh Ruth Lesse in desperate pursuit of entertainment within the confines of the usually peaceful and safe dormitory walls. What started, however, as a banterous bullet exchange between friends quickly escalated to become a source of dorm-wide distress. The shootout, which now reportedly involves tens of Drake residents, has devastated the Ciccone Commons community; the estimated death toll now exceeds 4,000.
The Rag reached out to the CL on duty on that first evening for some more details. “It isn’t the agonizing, hideous welts that have formed on my body as a result of my being mercilessly pegged every time I leave my room,” expresses the CL, who has opted to remain anonymous. “It isn’t the sight of the countless of my fallen residents, whose injured bodies litter the hallway, either. What gets me is the constant, maniacal fucking screeching.” His eyes deaden as he describes the haunting sounds that escape the mouths of the (nerf) gunmen as they shower their peers with bullets.
A video taken by a fearful bystander during the initial incident captures some of these haunting, inhuman vocalizations. We took this footage straight to our on-hand team of behavioral specialists to get some answers. After careful study of the footage by our team, essential questions were raised. “What the fuck is this, a joke?” inquired one member of the team. After hours of examining the video, the team concluded their investigation by using the footage to create a music video with an auto tuned compilation of the screeches as a melody. “It’s a bop, honestly,” said the Chief Behavioral Specialist of their production.
No further action has reportedly been taken to stop the violence, though the situation worsens with each passing day. “I heard they got another shipment of Nerf bullets on Amazon yesterday. The kind with the suction cups at the front,” an anonymous Drake resi- dent and mother of five wept in the arms of a Rag reporter. The situation is evidently very grim. Stay indoors, Ciccone Commons residents, or risk a dangerous death by Nerf.
The Monthly Rag 
Recent Comments