March Madness Proves to be Emotional Rollercoaster for Students, Athletes & Band

HAMILTON, NY — Colgate’s March Madness game against Tennessee left Raiders with the same feeling as writing an essay after a Fraturday: a rollercoaster of emotions beginning with the belief that there is no way this should be happening and ending with a feeling that this could have ended a lot more poorly. Through the ups and downs, hopes built, expectations crumbled, victories gained in despite of losses, and Keystones consumed, students noticed something a bit off about the university’s pep band: we had a pep band. Not just a half dozen kids reviving the trauma of your fourth grade recorder recital, but an actual amalgamation of musicians providing entertainment and ambiance to the stands. The sight, to those who care enough about pep band to actually notice, left a myriad of questions: who were these imposters, why were they here, and where was the humble group of merrymakers to remind us all why we quit band sophomore year of highschool.

Upon learning that Colgate had been given the resources to ship the band, and the band itself had expressed desire to embarrass themselves on national television, it became obvious that it was the administration itself which had decided that an outside source needed to be hired. “It is the bicentennial and our first time playing in March Madness since I had hair,” said an anonymous member of the Colgate staff responsible for this undercover job, “we couldn’t let this publicity go to waste just cause some kid choked on his tuba.”

It appears that the higher ups of the university went to extensive lengths to try and prevent the band from going to the tournament; percussion instruments were tossed into Taylor Lake, music sheets were fed to Emrys, raw chicken was rubbed on the mouths of the brass instruments in the hopes that enough students would contract salmonella and be unable to attend. Despite all efforts, the day of the flight the band was ready for the airport packed, prepared, and only smelling faintly of undercooked poultry. “We had one last plan,” the staff member explained, “we had already spent donor funding on the other band. We had to do something, so we just told the cruiser driver in charge of taking them to the airport to run late, turns out he was already 40 minutes behind schedule so it wasn’t a problem.” The Administration, now facing serious backlash for its dismissal and exclusion of the Peb Band, is sad and confused. Spokesman Beau Ocracy offered a statement for the Rag, “I suppose this was all just an underestimation of the student body’s capacity for apathy. They just don’t care about most things, we never expected it to be the Pep Band they’d give a fuck about.”