New Music System at Frank Excites Student-Robbers

HAMILTON, NY — At approximately 9 in the morning on Friday, March 15, the Colgate community was rocked by scandal. Someone had, once again, stolen a loaf of white bread from Frank.

“I just don’t feel safe anymore. First it was bread. Just bread. But the rush of stealing that loaf evaporated quickly. Then they started stealing trays of food. Then came furniture. The rush from stealing all that stuff will eventually evaporate, too. What’s going to happen when it does? What will these looters do? Who will protect us?” first-year Kiera Franks said.

The March 15th loaf heist was the 60th robbery of the month. Among the other items to be stolen were: avocados, “mixie” cups, trays of fries, whole pizzas, a napkin dispenser, 9 chairs, 3 small “mahogany” tables, 2 doors, and 10 salad bowls. The Rag sent an undercover journalist to infiltrate the team of robbers to understand these thefts.

“Holy shit. This was exhilarating. I stole a napkin dispenser. Do I know why? No. Do I regret it? No, that shit was fucking thrilling. This has definitely opened up some career possibilities for me; I want to feel that goddamn rush again,” the anonymous undercover Rag journalist said.

Despite the reluctance to disclose the information with the reputable Rag, the undercover journalist eventually shared the information that they had gathered. “You guys are blowing up my spot, ya know. Fucking dicks. Okay, fine. It’s damn freshmen: drunk freshmen, hungry freshmen, bored freshmen, poor freshmen who steal food for upperclassmen,” the journalist said.

After reaching an agreement of anonymity, the ringleader of the thieving operation agreed to an interview. “No one reads this shit anyway. I’ll fucking tell you what I’ll steal next—a TV. Fuck that new music system. They don’t even have Thotiana. How am I supposed to get these hoes to bust down when there’s no goddamn Blueface blaring through Frank? I’m providing a service here. I’m bettering Colgate, saving it from itself,” the ringleader said.

The theft has yet to take place, but Frank employees are ready. “Take it, take them all. Please. That noise is grating. It’s incessant. I can’t put up with that and drunk, horned up, teenagers at 2 a.m.” said Frank cashier Fleming Jay.