SGA Fails at Adequately Providing Student Body with Free Chik-Fil-A

HAMILTON, NY — Midterms week is full of students debating whether or not to Jug and get that hook up or to study for the test they are going to half-ass anyways. Two weeks out, SGA started advertising their Chick-Fil-A study break, as if students needed an excuse to stop studying. Freshman Dick Richardson stated, “the seducing flyers and Instagram stories sent out by all the hot SGA members confirmed that I was going to skip the Jug because I was promised meat. I was unsure what kind of meat I was getting, but hey, any meat is good.” Monday March 4th was the day: the day of the meat. Freshman Sally Dunkin stated, “I camped out at the Coop for days to get my Chick-Fil-A and want to know what happened? The meat was not secured.” SGA failed again. Brian Cummings, president of the freshman class, stated “we ordered over 400 pieces of meat, $600 worth, and we were dumbasses once again and failed to realize how many people needed meat on a Monday night. To be quite honest, we were thinking all the horny-ass freshman dudes were going to shotgun 13 beers to gain their confidence to secure their meat at the Jug”. What kind of meat was he talking about? Good question, we asked, and Cummings stated “Jug dogs? Definitely not. Jug dogs are only purchased to flock the ladies.”

Anyways, back to the story: SGA failed again. The line was long; people were angry. As SGA realized how much of a shit-show they got themselves into once AGAIN, the night got worse. The meat was rationed; your choice was either 4 nugs or 2 strips, plus all the sauce us saucy kids like. Sophomore Ryan Park stated, “I am so glad I was able to secure the nugs for free, rather than spending $5 for the unsure hookup.” There were fewer nugs than people. The Jug was packed later that evening due to the unforeseen meat shortage. Note to self: do not go to SGA events, unless you want to waste your time for the chance at “free” food. It is not quite free because you’ll waste your goddamn time—the time you could be using fucking an SGA member.