HAMILTON, NY — This year, Colgate is turning away from the typical Spring Party Weekend format of focusing funding and organizing efforts towards the Saturday concert, as too many students choose to forgo the event in favor of resting after Block Party before staying up all night. Instead, the money is going directly to various student organizations, so Colgate students will get to attend several smaller concerts with even worse artists spread out over several days. With a funding allocation board consisting primarily of Beta Theta Pi members, we are sure to be in for a wild weekend. Here are some of the events rumored to be taking place:
1. Mason Ramsey, Thursday Night at DU’s Hoedown
If that name doesn’t ring a bell, you’re not alone. Most people never bothered to learn his name beyond “yodel boy,” and his career peaked last year during his brief appearance at Coachella and spot on the Ellen Show. He’s put out some country songs of his own since then, but unsurprisingly people found it weird to listen to an 11-year-old sing about love and he’s faded into obscurity. His appearance fees are so low now that DU was able to snag him for less than they normally would pay for a DJ for their Saturday night party, and his signature cowboy-boots-and-hat look fits perfectly with the theme of the event. Get ready to get down to some of the best yodeling you’ve ever heard.
2. Lil Dicky, Friday Night at Phoam
Anyone who’s ever happened to see Lil Dicky in concert knows he likes to get weird. His signature routine often involves bringing a girl up on stage and stripping for her, moving his tighty-whitey covered ass in a way that no audience member could ever forget. Apparently Lil Dicky decided he didn’t even need to be paid to appear at Phi Delt as the prospect of jumping around half-naked and covered in foam with a bunch of college kids was too exciting for him to decline. He simply requested free alcohol and drugs and dibs on the hottest girl at the after party. We recommend avoiding contact with him at all costs.
3. Macklemore, Saturday at Parker Commons
In an effort to make a school-hosted event seem maybe worthwhile, Parker Commons sprang for an artist that everyone has actually heard of. It turns out that Macklemore charges by the song, so with their limited budget the school was only able to afford his most well known song,“Thrift Shop.” Macklemore will be singing this on repeat for an hour, but most students are reportedly planning on leaving as soon as they’ve posted a couple of snap stories.
Luckily, most of the regular fraternity-sponsored events will still be happening so you don’t have to subject yourself to these low-budget concert alternatives. Get ready for one of the weirdest weekends at Colgate yet.
The Monthly Rag 
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