Local Student Publication Struggling Amidst Finals Week

HAMILTON, NY — As the 2018-2019 school year is coming to a close, it should be no surprise that everyone is, to quote an unnamed student in the stressful cesspool of emotion and rage that is Case Library, “fucking FUCKED. FUCKING BIG FUCKING FUCKED BIG FUCKING TIME. FUCK.” We here at the Rag would like to emphasize this mysterious student’s (rather loud and abrasive) statements: we are fuuuuuucked.

Not as in “we, the student body,” but as in “we, The Monthly Rag.” We’re the “Local Student Publication,” as if it were a surprise to anyone; we’re not exactly subtle. As of time of writing, we have received a total of thirty-three death threats (each stylized a la the Saw franchise), six cease-and-desist requests, and one of our editors–one Jared 🅱️osen–is literally on fire. He has been for about four days. We don’t know what this says about his pain tolerance or his awareness of his surroundings, but we do know it’s probably not healthy.

All of this struggle comes with an additional problem that we here at The Rag believe plagues a majority of clubs on campus: student extracurricular participation is at an all-time low due to the stress of finals. The club leader of the “Completely-Real-and-Not-Made-Up Club, A. Human, had the following to say about the matter:

“There was once a point where we had a solid core group of people really interested in what our club represents, but now, our meetings our lucky to pull more than three people. It’s incredibly disheartening to see students pulled away from their interests to combat the incredible grade-deflation that Colgate is known to have.”

When pressed about the concept of grade deflation, an unnamed member of the Colgate administration scoffed and said, “Fuck them kids, bro! Look around bro; look at life! You see these trees, man? You see this water? Come on, man; you got so much more to appreciate, man.” While these comments were initially confusing, further investigation revealed that a majority of the administrative body had turned to listening to upbeat 2017 pop-rap in efforts to improve communication with the student body. Thus far, results have been positive–albeit you can only go up from rock-bottom.