HAMILTON, NY — Growing up in Scarsdale, New York in Westchester County, the Beta Shitter came from a lower upper class family. While growing up, BS often struggled with feelings of inadequacy.
“Do you know what it’s like to grow up with only two yachts in Westchester? I was bullied, harassed, embarrassed almost daily. Kids would steal my ascot, pull my lapels, hide my cufflinks, step on my Sperry’s. It was horrifying! You don’t fucking know the pain I’ve endured,” BS said.
Since he was a young kid, BS dreamed the American Dream, or FBGM—”Fuck Bitches, Get Money.”
“Dude, I fucking knew I was gonna get tons of puss when I came here. These girls are LOOSE man! Anyway, now that I’ve declared my major I’ve really had to scale back on the punnany. Econ man, shit takes time,” BS said wistfully.
While BS always had the FBGM dream, he didn’t expect that he would become a campus hero.
“Campus legend, bitch! Let’s put this straight, I’m a campus LEGEND! God, it was fucking hilarious to shit on those pricks’ porch. I wish I could’ve seen their faces… Man, time really flies,” BS reminisced.
When asked about his opinion on the so-called “copycat” from this year, BS bristled.
“What the fuck are you talking about? Copycat?! Copycat?! The guy from Curtis or Drake or wherever the hell wasn’t making a statement. He wasn’t squatting in solidarity with his sisters. No—that dick was drunk and pooped in an innocent person’s dorm. That’s some Beta shit right there. Man, it gets me heated whenever they try to compare me to him. People think I just took a shit on a porch. They don’t understand the dedication that it took. The clarity of mind. The goddamn artistry,” BS said.
When asked if he has any more statements on the horizon, BS was reluctant to share any specifics.
“Man, you’ll just have to wait and see. I’ve got some ideas, but you’ll just have to wait and see,” BS said.
The Monthly Rag 
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