HAMILTON, NY — Over the past several weeks multiple professors have entered their Monday classes to find a staggeringly low number of students. While typically most don’t find a 9 am detox cum Legacies a particularly invigorating way to start their week, even in classes with 15% participation grade, large portions of the Colgate population were absent for their $200-a-session desk-nap. Professors and staff (who had begun an underground black-market based on reselling of hungover students the Juul pods they left in common rooms over the weekend) began to severely investigate the origin of these staggering low student turn-out.
“At first I thought they had just forgotten where the classroom was,” an introductory-economic professor stated, “it wouldn’t be the first time, last semester a half dozen of them forgot how stairs worked and just sat in the entryway of Pearson’s for three days. But after a while I noticed that those absent would usually show up to Wednesday and Friday classes, and I figured it was too much of a coincidence that they got lost the same day every week.”
Through the deep, underground, hard-hitting investigative skills members of the Rag staff had gained via osmosis of playing Clash of Clans in the chapel during the Anne Curry coloqueim, we were able to determine the real reason why students weren’t showing up to their regularly attended courses: Game of Thrones.
“People just won’t shut the fuck up!” one of the absent students (who would only give their fursona name so will be left anonymous cause we don’t fuck with that) said as a justification for their refusal to attend Monday classes, “I’m sorry I don’t have HBOfuckingGO like the rest of you, I have to wait till Tuesday before the Bosnian ear porn website I pirate it from posts it. It’s the only place to get a quality high-definition so I can count each hair on Samwell Tarly’s neck beard, I won’t settle to watch it any other way. But that means I have to wait a whole 48 hours to watch and by then people won’t stop spoiling it. I have to stay in seclusion.”
Several particularly (obsessively?) dedicated fans (freaks?) have begun bunkering themselves in the tunnels under Olin to ensure absolute seclusion and avoidance of potential pricks who may ruin the show that gives their lives some semblance of meaning. Armed to the teeth with cosplay weaponry and noise-cancelling headphones, they call themselves the Sunday Nights Watch, sworn to protect themselves from plot spoiler until they too can watch the show and spoil it for everyone else sainly invested in this overrated, televised Dungeons and Dragons with boobs.
The Monthly Rag 
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