Despite Lead in Water, Chobani Café Remains Most Pressing Issue on Campus

HAMILTON, NY — Earlier this month, a school-wide email was sent out regarding the high levels of lead detected in water supplies for certain on-campus residences. Despite the shocking detail that the elevated lead levels were discovered by a Chem student and not Colgate’s own Department of Environmental Health and Safety or even Buildings and Grounds, most students either ignored the email or said, “meh,” and deleted it.

As testing of other buildings ensued, and continued to find more residences with high levels of lead in the water, students continued to not give a shit. By press time, nearly the entirety of Broad Street, as well as university-owned apartments on College Street, were operating with non-potable water. Also by press time, not a single member of the student body who gave a shit could be identified.

University officials have been shocked at their ability to get away with little to-no communication on the matter, considering the fact that the majority of upperclassmen on campus are living without potable water in their residences. “It’s amazing how when you’re actually screwing them over and it’s not just honey mustard in the Coop, you can get away with murder. Or lead poisoning,” Executive Director of Alumni Relations and Fuck Them Kids Yo Phineas Büderneepples said, “Wait, was that on the record?” No worries, Phineas. No one cares.

Further Rag investigation into #LeadGate found a publicly accessible page on the Colgate website listing all of the lead test results from a number of the Broad Street residences, including Bunche House, Kappa, and GPhi, all showing at least 10 times the EPA-actionable limit of lead in parts per-billion. Despite the highly-toxic levels of lead with results publicly available for literally anyone to read, the student body has showed absolutely zero interest in the issue. For a group of young adults who get up in arms over just about anything, sending angry emails over salad bars and giving petitions to cancel class signatures in the thousands, the current reaction is a truly unsettling deviation from the norm.

When the Rag reached out to students for comment, we could barely get anyone to look up from their copies of the Maroon-News. Finally, after shaking one junior boy from his stupor, he looked up and said, “The only thing I give a shit about right now is how awful the Chobe is and emailing Brian Casey about when the cinnamon twists are coming back.” Turns out, Colgate students can only be mad about one thing at a time.