For Parents: Decoding Your Child’s Venmo

HAMILTON, NY — In the age of technology, it has become increasingly difficult to keep up with the suspicious activities of teens. That’s why we here at The Monthly Rag published our extensive findings on the teen texting language after countless investigations and years of research into shorthand slang, finally getting to the real meaning of commonly used phrases such as “LOL” and “SMH.” After all the positive feedback we received from local parents, we decided to take on the next biggest threat to your child’s mental well being: Venmo. Though it may not be as damaging to your child’s mental health as Instagram or as dangerous as Snapchat’s “Snap Maps”, it has transformed from a seemingly harmless instant money transfer app into a hub for drug deals and other illicit activity. Is your child engaging in illegal activity? No more need to flip through their diary: the answers lie in their Venmo charge descriptions.

At first, a cursory glance at your teens’ Venmo charges might appear normal, with descriptions like “Uber Ride” or “Chipotle.” While these words might appear inconspicuous, they have the potential to belie something nefarious like the purchasing of drugs, alcohol and other illicit experiences. Your child’s choice of emojis holds all the information you need to get to the bottom of their life. Some of the more obvious ones include any type of drink emoji, whether that be clinking champagne glasses (golden showers) or the baby bottle full of milk (they are probably paying to “take care of” a pregnancy). Our studies show that 99% of nature-related emojis are used to represent the black market pet trade. Another common mistake is the use of the ski slope emoji. I hate to break it to my fellow parents out there, but little Tommy is probably not hitting the ski slopes again this weekend, as he is too busy taking a sweet, sweet snort of cocaine. Other common codes are: the crescent moon emoji, signifying the joining of a cult; the gas emoji, signifying a donation to Iraqi civilians displaced by the United States invasion of Iraq; a smiley face, signifying the payment for a “happy ending” at a local massage parlor. A Venmo charge containing two or more emojis strung next to each other, no matter how random they might seem, definitely means that your little angel is mainlining low-grade heroin.