HAMILTON, NY — Every school year brings a new crop of fresh-faced, doe-eyed, impressionable first-years, and this year is no different. What is truly special about freshman year is how everyone comes in with a fresh slate. That being said, every decision made now will truly impact your academic career and—more importantly—your social standing. It is the dopeness of the jersey worn to Freshman Night at the Jug that separates the try-hard from the frat star in waiting. It is evenings spent studying instead of trying to sneak into frats that separates the glue from the glitter. It is the hours spent hungover in an 8:30 a.m. Economics class instead of still passed out in a dorm in Drake, missing yet another Middle Eastern Studies class, that separates the Colgate Ideal from just another college freshman. Every year there is that one freshman that sets themselves apart, the one that quickly becomes a Barstool Colgate staple, with potential to move up to the majors: Barstool Sports. The first-year that everyone wants—everyone has to have. With 2019’s fall pledge class already in the books, fraternities are looking amongst the new faces of Colgate’s 2023 class to fill next year’s pledge class.
“God, when I first saw Dick [Wolfe], it was special. It was Fraturday, September 7, 2:37 p.m. He was just so beautiful, standing there in the Swamp’s backyard, Natty in one hand, red cup in the other. He had on this jersey, this Bronny James jersey, when I saw him. He looked up and our eyes met from across the yard, and I just knew. I just knew—this dude was going to be mine. This dude was gonna be a brother,” said Delta Upsilon President John Munche, eyes glazed over in fraternal no-homo lust.
The magnetism witnessed by Munche was quickly discovered by other members of Greek life on campus. Wolfe’s raw charisma and dope jerseys has created a fervor among the fraternities.
“That guy is fucking sick! He can shotgun a beer, from sharktooth to last chug, in, like, sub-0.5 seconds!” said Phi Delt President Ice Tea.
“We don’t just want him, we need him! You can see it in his eyes, he wants to say yes! The only reason he’s talking to all those fraternities is to make us jealous! Last Fraturday, [September 21], he ditched his parents at the Eatery come [to Beta]! He took their fucking G-Wagon and just rolled up; told them he had to go to the bathroom and just never came back!” said Beta President Elliot Stablere.
The fervor isn’t limited to the fraternities; other campus organizations have taken notice of the freshman, as well.
“We just know if we get him, [President Brian] Casey will have no choice but to finally recognize us as an official fraternity,” said BDS President Donald Cragene.
The Monthly Rag 
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