HAMILTON, NY — President Casey recently unveiled the plans for a residence hall exclusively for the Colgate Thirteen. The new building—coined “Clout Hall”—will be situated in the center of the academic quad between the Chapel and Hascall Hall. “Colgate Alma Mater is just a bop,” President Casey said, “and none of the other a cappella groups seem to know the lyrics. So here we are.”
Current design plans “emulate the aesthetic of the new Pinchin and Burke Halls…” the ghost of Dean Flores Mills said, “in that they look more or less like four-star business hotels.” There are, however, key architectural choices made with Clout Hall that will make it distinct from other residence halls on campus.
“A giant fucking blazer,” Dean McLoughlin said, “a giant blazer around the whole damn thing. There will be a limo garage, hot tub, and that bar from The Shining.” In addition, rather than just toilets, every bathroom will be a Chobani Café.
Many students have responded in protest, claiming some kind of “bias” towards the cool, calm and collected Alpha Males of Colgate. “I’ve been living in a dingy cave with water damage and asbestos with no response from ResLife,” sophomore Rachel Waters said, “and now these guys get a literal palace just because they sing and have a lot of rich alumni? What the fuck!” Waters clearly has no respect for the art and craft of elite a cappella, which is probably why ResLife has been ignoring her. “East Hall has black mold in its bathrooms and forced triples and I just heard that my friend in the 13 is getting a king bed with his own gold-plated toilet next year,” first-year Dave Matthews said. “I don’t know, that just doesn’t seem right to me.”
So much to say, Matthews, for a kid with absolutely zero clout up the hill. The recently-knighted by Queen Elizabeth Sir Chaz Crumplebottom, musical genius and crown-prince of the Colgate 13, responded to the accusations of unfairness. “The general peasantry of this campus seems so peeved with our new development project, and appear to have forgotten everything we do for them. Culture, art, song, alumni donations, handsomeness––this is what we give you, tirelessly, everyday, from the goodness of our own hearts. Do we not deserve the recognition? Do we not deserve a reward for our hard work?” Crumplebottom said, briefly breaking into song as other members of the 13 emerged from the darkness with a timely and rhythmic, “dum dum duh-dum do-do-do duh-dum dum dum.” My gosh, what they can do with their vocal chords. Blows me away every time.
The Monthly Rag 
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