HAMILTON, NY — Classes are back in session, and students are buzzing with talk about the newest addition to campus — the Chobani Café. Strapped for cash after overdoing Bicentennial celebrations and rebranding, President Casey and university leaders wanted to continue the trend of surface-level facelifts to make quick buck. “We took a lot of inspiration from HGTV,” the Board of Trustees wrote in a letter to the Rag. “Honestly, [we] knew we could slap a brand name on something that already existed, add a few more square feet and make some of our money back pretty easily.” Chobani was an easy choice for the administration, as all it required was scaling up the Chobani bar in the Coop, and remodeling the Lib Café after one that already existed in Soho. “It was too easy,” Casey said.
Colgate Dining Services has noticed that the new café already has an endearing nickname from the students, “The Chobe,” or occasionally, “The Chode.” Despite the cute nickname, many students are not pleased with the changes. Junior Anita Swype weighed in on the situation. “Yeah, honestly, fuck the Chobe. Like what’s up with the fact that they literally only serve yogurt? All I want is coffee and maybe some cookies or a pastry swiped for me by underclassmen,” Swype said.
Going undercover, members of the Rag staff confirmed Swype’s claim. Every single item on the menu at the Chobani Cafe contains some form of yogurt. Cream cheese? Nope, it’s greek yogurt. Salad dressing? Yogurt-based. Baked goods? Made with yogurt. Water? Yogurt-infused. Following the investigation, the Rag reported one major conclusion: if you’re lactose intolerant, avoid the Chobe at all costs. If you’re vegan, just take deep breaths until you can trick your stomach into feeling like you’ve eaten.
In a recent poll of the student body, disapproval of the new café hit numbers higher than Dean McLoughlin in his first semester. 98% of students reported feeling “fucking pissed” about the new limited swipes program, 83% responded “what the fuck” to the menu prices, and 87% reported the weirdly-shaped bagels making them “uncomfortable and confused about how to eat it.” Perhaps the most significant statistic to come out of
the survey is the 93% increase in yogurt-related flatulence in the library. Librarians have also commented on the distinct scent that has come to intermingle with the usual smell of aging paper and anxiety sweat.
The Rag reached out to students for more qualitative input on the matter. “I’m actually, like, so furious”, Kappa Senior Sarah Rich said, “they got rid of all the coffee options except, like, two, and Dunkin’ is such a far drive from the lib. How am I gonna get anything done? Totally sickening.” Junior Dirks Encaicos told the Rag he was mainly just confused why Chobani seemed so content with mediocrity. “I mean, they get so mad when we critique something that’s clearly not working, when all we really want is for them to have more cheap coffee options and to bring back the chocolate chip cookies,” Encaicos said.
If one positive were to come out of these changes, it is certainly the unification of the students and the faculty, who almost never agree on anything. After the survey was also sent out to the faculty, students and professors shockingly both polled 100% for “it’s shit.”
The Monthly Rag 
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