SGA Presidents Doing a Shockingly Good Job of Pretending They Like Each Other

HAMILTON, NY — With school and all of its meaningless politics back in session, many members of the Colgate community were concerned about SGA’s combined executive government, the one with two presidents and two vice presidents who fucking went at each other’s throats during the spring election.

“Yeah, I was pretty worried that I would be showing up to all the SGA-sponsored events I build my social life around, like the Midnight Movies and Fall Fest, and they’d be there just like, not talking to each other making it awkward for everyone else,” sophomore Annie Oakland said, “I just already have divorced parents I don’t need it at my SGA-sponsored Tail ‘Gates, too.”

Luckily for the student body, both presidents and vice presidents are putting on a brave face for the kids. The Rag has received reports from students, faculty, staff, and even their own cabinet, that the executive team is doing, “a really wonderful job of hiding the fact that they fucking hate each other’s guts.”

This is a welcome shock to the community, considering no one thought they could come back from the drama of the spring. “I mean, he tried to get her fucking expelled. And how could you forget the Facebook livestream?! Unreal, yeah, I really didn’t think they could do it,” junior Rob Bronson told the Rag.

Even President Brian Casey didn’t think the four execs could overcome the red hot blood lust they had for each other in the spring. “At the end of the day, though, they put first what really matters: making sure every Colgate student’s experience with SGA is fun, welcoming, sober, and that there is full transparency at all times. I’m just thankful they could do it for the kids,” Casey said. “I mean it’s also sweet for me that no one wanted to follow through on any of the threats or allegations, made my life waaaaay easier.”

While most community members are relieved, we at the Rag are slightly disappointed, if we’re being honest. Sure, screaming matches in Batza Room study breaks wouldn’t be great, but think about it: we could’ve had TWO Franksgivings!