Tau Favors Sobriety Over Fraturday in Shocking Discovery

HAMILTON, NY — The brothers of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity are focused these days on getting to know one another. They can be heard blasting Kendrick Lamar at 3:00 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, or seen on virtually any Saturday occupying their porch, turning away any non-brother they see. The question remains: why is Tau so against visitors? The Monthly Rag did some digging to find out. Disguised as a case of Recipe 21, our reporter Susan Stanne infiltrated the Tau house on a given Fraturday, while they were “at capacity.”

Stanne reports that in the Tau house, the brothers were inside playing video games and talking about their days. She was absolutely stunned.

“Okay, I admit it,” says Tau junior, Joey Nemo, “sometimes we just don’t want to party. That’s why we can’t let people in. We have to make it look like we’re having a fraturday, but we’re really just chillin’. Gotta make time for the brothers.”

While the warmth of brotherhood heats the Tau house, there are freshmen girls outside shivering and trying to break in through the back door.

“We loooovve Tau, yeah,” says freshman Mel Converse, “yeah, my older sister who is a junior says that Tau is the best. I’ve never personally gotten in, but I love Tau.”

It turns out that if you have a porch presence, people will think you are hosting a party, especially if you advertise it as an open fraturday. This allows the brothers of Tau to maintain the illusion that they are hosting, while in reality they’re either sober, two beers in, or a little high.

Our survey reports that of the 100 people walking on Broad Street last Saturday, 75 of them tried to get into Tau at least once and were all denied.

Other fraternities on campus, especially Beta are rejoicing. With their strategic placement right next to Tau, those who were “Nah, Broh”‘d away from the Tau porch were able to saunter over to the welcoming Beta.

Beta President, Joshua Hinkle commented on their reasoning: “If we let everyone in, and Tau lets no one in, people might come here again, right?” We’ll see Joshua. The elusive nature of Tau is attractive to the young freshman.