HAMILTON, NY—Words do not suffice when explaining the Naturday-stained glory of Colgate Fraturdays to parents. Colgate Fraturday is something that needs to be experienced to be understood. That’s why for Family Weekend the Student Government Association (SGA) organized a Bring Your Parents to Fraturday event. Prior to the event, SGA handed out pamphlets to the student body, outlining the steps to a successful Fraturday with your parents. It’s a necessary guide to showing your parents a good time without letting them getting fully lost in the sauce, or scaring them into fearing for your well-being. Below is the approximate schedule for the ideal Bring Your Parents to Fraturday.

Start your day by shotgunning some Nattys in the shower, because nothing says “wholesome” quite like a father-son, or mother-daughter, dorm pregame. While your parents are distracted by talking to your roommate or taking photos for the religious Facebook posts that fill the void of middle-aged boredom, down a few more shots. This is crucial, as you must not reveal the ease at which binge drinking now comes (thank you, Colgate!), but you still need to get fucked-the-fuck-up today. This is really a chance to pop off, because what Campo officer is going to stop you and intrude on family fun as you stumble down Broad Street with Mom and Dad?

Next up, time to take your parents’ Lax House-virginity, because they simply can’t leave campus without seeing our favorite sporty boys. Waltz right past all of the Johns and Ryans, stopping only if dad wants to get a sharpie tat on his cleavage while discussing which Boston suburb John/Ryan grew up terrorizing. Wow your parents with the grace and class of mystery mixies made on sticky tables that haven’t been cleaned since the 90s.

From here, boogie on over to Theta Chi at 52 Broad Street, but please be sure to avoid the swarms of bees that B&G continues to ignore. Make sure Mom and Dad have already had plenty to drink, otherwise you’ll enter dangerous territory with Tach’s watered-down Jug of Recipe 21. Dance with them under the strobe lights and rotting moose head to “Kill the Lights”, but don’t get on any elevated surfaces. We know we feel invincible under the influence, but trust that parents’ backs and knees are not.

Next on your agenda is a pilgrimage to your post-Fraturday meal location of choice. Rig and the Eatery are good options for the more sophisticated and less-black out, but if your parents’ standards are equally as low as yours, take them to Main Moon. Delicious in the moment, and everyone will have the same MSG farts at brunch tomorrow.

Now your parents might be feeling a nap at this point, but you cannot, emphasis on cannot, let them take a break if you want them to make it to the DU Saturday night open. Things can get touchy here, you may or may not need to offer suplemental substances, whether it be addy, blow, weed, more booze, or a k-hole for the most adventurous parent. Find a middle hours to post at while the sun goes down and let Mom post a sloppy Facebook story. It’s all about authenticity, people.

Once the clock strikes 10, you know where to go, folks. The Delta Upsilon brotherhood will welcome your parents with open arms and plenty of Raider Football gear. Play a little pong, do a little dance, and get down with the parentals. The second you spot your booty call of late, though, make a run for the door. No one needs that interaction, but your parents definitely need to meet John and Michelle Jug. The Jug, it’s a wonderful, timeless horror. After convincing your parents to be the ones to venmo Michelle on your behalf, pull them past the sloppy freshmen to the middle and bust out your dad dance moves. Get them to buy you some Vodka Crans, but do not let them go to the bathroom. They don’t need to see that nightmare, but they do need to see the sea of college students making out on the dance floor. If so inclined, they DFMO as well, but maybe make your exit before then. Send a cute goodnight text from your earlier booty call’s bed, and look forward to the hungover brunch the next day where no one acknowledges the lines crossed the day before. Happy Family Weekend!