HAMILTON, NY — As the world adjusts to the “new normal,” so has Colgate’s student body. A lack of ability to register social events has left the nation’s #9 party school scrambling for drinking venues. Students have been fiending for somewhere–literally anywhere–to aggressively binge drink their young lives away. A first-year student who wished to remain anonymous told The Rag thusly:
“You know, last semester we had to make due and people got pretty creative. A few people threw parties in the woods, and some people turned their dorm common rooms into house parties.”
A few brave souls even reportedly held a drug and alcohol fueled “party” in the Curtis laundry room. However, with a new semester came new challenges. Cold weather forced parties in the woods to end and curious underclassmen have begun to seek new venues down the hill for their debauchery.
Many businesses have taken notice of students’ needs and took the opportunity to capitalize on them. With a lack of bars downtown, local decor depot Swank noticed they had unrealized potential. The store owner, Idunn Oh, approached The Rag with a statement:
“Yeah, well we realized that our store closes at 5 PM each day. So we have this whole space that goes unused each night. We started a happy hour promotion from 6-8 on weeknights, and some theme parties on weekends.”
Swank’s owner explained that the store never expected to have such a turnout.
“I mean, it was crazy,” Oh elaborated. “We had hordes of students coming down each night. Who knew a bunch of kids would want to drink in an oddly placed home decor shop that’s miraculously still in business?” When asked to comment about the ages of the students attending happy hour, Oh declined to comment.
Other businesses have been able to capitalize as well. The Rag has heard reports of an underground tunnel connecting DK Grocery and RIG that leads to a speakeasy serving nothing but shots of Everclear to eager students. Rusch’s Bar and Grill has also been able to appeal to underclassmen, with not-so-subtle signage in their windows advertising the “Least strict ID checks in Hamilton.” Generally, it can be said that Colgate’s student body will let almost nothing get in the way of binge drinking aggressively for no reason on rogue weeknights, filling the void of the temporarily(?)-closed Jug and the lack of registered frat parties in sweaty basements.
The Monthly Rag 
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