Hamilton Eatery Joins Other Local Businesses in Quest to Become the Top New Boozing Venue

March 13, 2021 by Leave a Comment

If you’ve ever wondered why the line cooks at the Hamilton Eatery shout out the order number–even now that the shop’s empty–it’s not just to get the customer’s attention.  It’s mostly because they’re doing profuse amounts of blow down in the basement on their lunch break.  

Just below the floorboards of Lebanon Street’s quaint, welcoming, hangover cure Mecca, a subterranean rager is in effect at all hours.  In the wake of underage drinking baron John Jug’s executive decision to temporarily shutter the Old Stone Jug, Eatery manager Clay Skinner deftly swooped in to fill the power vacuum, adding to what’s become a saga of similar gambits by local businesses.  “Tell you the truth, I’m just glad we had the idea before the Colgate Inn,” Skinner said.  “I mean, they’ve already got a fully furnished, literal speakeasy collecting dust beneath the Tavern!  Guess they just didn’t have the stones to try it.  Hey, these interviews are anonymous, right?”  When approached for comment, Michelle delivered a scathing screed against the Jug’s newest rival: “Those pot pie-peddling sons of bitches are in for a world of hurt, once we come back!”

It’s a poorly kept secret in Hamilton that the Jug’s tight with local law enforcement, hence their Teflon status when it comes to ushering in underage patrons.  Asked about the Eatery’s success in staying off Hampo’s radar in the midst of the pandemic, Skinner replied, “We have something of a quid pro quo arrangement–they let us be, and we refrain from introducing the student-petitioned ‘All Cops Are Battered’ menu item.  It’s basically a corn dog with mac and cheese thrown in, ‘cause why not?  I thought it was pretty clever, not to mention a genius concept from a culinary standpoint, but I could see how the name might ruffle some feathers–or ‘rinds,’ or whatever the fuck pigs have.”  The Hamilton Police Department declined to comment.  

Upon gaining entry to the raucous affair, our undercover reporter questioned a student in a vomit-soaked “Keep Calm and Eatery On” t-shirt (presumably on loan, or won in a drinking contest) about whether they’d be inclined to continue frequenting the Eatery’s clandestine cabaret once the pandemic ends.  “Oh, without a doubt!” They replied before stumbling backward into a pallet of Natty racks.  “The bathroom here has a working lock, and VIPs get special service upstairs!  Tomorrow morning, I’m coming back as soon as my migraine wears off to get a breakfast burrito in 5 fucking minutes, instead of 15.  You can’t put a price on that!”

The Eatery gang seems to have knocked it out of the park, and stole the Jug’s thunder for good measure.  Next time you’re itching to be a deviant the night before your paper’s due, hang a left on Lebanon!  And since you’ve been so patient, here’s the “secret knock:” order the Breakfast BLT with thousand island dressing (let’s be honest, no ordinary customer in their right mind’s gonna order that–it comes on a bagel, for fuck’s sake).  

Filed Under: News, Student Life

The Rag Digest Update: Y’all Can Fuck Now

March 11, 2021 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — The Rag is pleased to be able to bless our readers today with an unreleased copy of Laura Jack’s upcoming email. Jack has recently become a popular name around campus for inspiring us weekly with her updates, rising to an unprecedented stardom where we honestly don’t really know where she came from, yet now we can’t stop hearing the name. Jack reported that she herself is actually a dedicated reader of The Rag, and she relishes the opportunity to contribute to the “fucking coolest and sickest members of the community” (her words, not ours) with an early email preview, which are usually in high demand and go for a trade equal to around four meal swipes or an eighth of weed slipped under her door. So enjoy this one for free:

What’s up motherfuckers,

I have both good and bad news. Although we still have zero new COVID cases on campus, surveillance testing yielded a total of 224 positive student cases of having-a-weird-experience-in-the-chobe. Those affected have all been transferred to sleeping bags in the Fojo courtyard, and we hope their next two weeks in quarantine there will allow them ample time to return back to a normal state of mind. The HAT will be meeting tomorrow in order to determine whether this yields a move back to Gate 0. 

One of the affected students reported to me, “It was just truly jarring. When I opened up my house salad to find that the lettuce had been replaced with that random pourable yogurt, it really threw me for the day. Honestly, I’d prefer that random quarantine turkey to this experience, so I support the Gate 0 idea.” Updates soon. 

On a different note, I would like to definitely and absolutely confirm that in my latest email regarding our move to Gate 3, literally nothing in that email was important besides the fact that bedroom visitations are now allowed. 

TLDR; You can fuck now, but keep a mask on?

That’s it for now. Hope you’re all looking forward to the day off on Friday when you feel even more pressured to break the rules. Keep up the C+ work. I know personally I’m continuing to thank the heavens that we’re in such a rural place, because we all know we wouldn’t have made it this far without that. Talk to you kids soon. 

Laura H. Jack, Vice President for Communications

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life

Classified: Rag Seeking Gatehouse Gossip Correspondent

March 10, 2021 by Leave a Comment

Given the inevitable hedonism of this glorified storage unit, The Monthly Rag is seeking a freshman correspondent to provide us with the latest intel regarding the drama, debauchery and property damage occurring in this architectural affront to upper campus. Applicant must be a resident of Gatehouse, embittered over their classmates’ access to more foundationally sound and demonstrably more sanitary Burke and Pinchin, and must have the journalistic integrity to rat out their ground-scoring jello-shot-slurping neighbors and Chads who wouldn’t shut up about their resistance band training workouts during quarantine. If you are interested in committing yourself to this vital position on the Rag’s staff, please send us an email with your resume, CV and three letters of recommendation explaining why you can provide us with the most recent and compelling intel on how some physics major improvised a bear trap out of old COOP sporks and mouse traps to deter Campus Safety from interrupting their beer pong marathon. Or just like, text us. The bar is pretty low. Regardless, we are counting on you to secure us with the inspiration for our latest hard-hitting articles. The Rag wouldn’t be the same without information about our most notoriously deprived and systemically alcoholic slice of the freshman class. In these strange and uncertain times, the antics of Gatehouse residents are what provide your fellow Colgate students with the amusement, disgust and solace that at least their own blackout embarrassments didn’t result in multiple broken tibias. To help us survive this semester with a smile and engage a gag reflex or two, contact the Rag at themonthyrag13@gmail.com today. We just wanna know what the fuck is up.

Filed Under: Student Life

Rusch’s Kinda Maybe Sorta Hypothetically New Drinking Hole

March 8, 2021 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — COVID-19 restrictions have changed the social scene of Colgate, and with these changes come awkward growing pains of finding new places to grind up on sweaty, disgusting strangers in a dimly lit room. Luckily for the incoming class of ‘24 (holy shit, you guys are babies), the absence of the former Old Stone Jug may go unnoticed as other local businesses step up to the metaphorical plate, including local favorite Rusch’s Bar & Grill, who in the past few weeks has removed all booths and tables from their main dining room and replaced them with sticky “elevated surface units,” splintering benches and, for some reason no one can figure out, a hot dog roller machine.

A new local representative for Rusch’s and self-described “philanthropist bad boy” Ron Rusch provided the following (unintelligible) comment:

“Slay. Come blackout at Rusch’s. Lit. Fuck cops.”

In addition to these new developments, Rusch’s has opted into a new ID checking system and employee training regiment: instead of running a given ID under various blacklights and through a registry, waiters and waitresses now rely on the “cover-the-birthday technique” that, according to Ron Rusch himself, “operates through a series legal loopholes that depends on our employees not actually knowing how old the individual is, regardless of if we checked the ID or not. Slay!”

To hit their new target demographic, Rusch’s has also incorporated many new drinks into their menu (while removing basically everything else), such as the “Fuck You, Eat Shit,” a delicious mix of alcoholic milk, a whiteclaw, everything bagel seasoning, and gasoline—only for $15! Regular and alleged senior Jess Takid had the following to say: 

“I found out about the deals at Rusch’s through Snapchat,” Takid said. “They put a snapcode on their menu and everyone I know has been adding them to get the best deals. You can even buy a VIP card which gets you a table faster and lets you skip the lines.” 

The Rag sent an undercover reporter to Rusch’s this past weekend to check out the scene for themselves, returning with juicy tidbits of information about the new underbelly of Colgate’s downtown drinking scene:

“The drinks were honestly not that bad,” they told us. “I got the Rush Rusch’s special pitcher. It tasted kinda like the foam at the end of a keg mixed with some Hawaiian Punch, but all-in-all, it did the job.”

Our undercover reporter also told us that apparently, if you Venmo the bartender $10, you get access to a filthy, crowded bathroom where you can publicly do coke off of the top of the toilet tank.

Filed Under: News, Student Life Tagged With:

Inspirational Circles Found to Be Extremely Beneficial for Student Mental Health

March 6, 2021 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — With the pandemic nearing its first full year, virtual classes causing Zoom fatigue and seasonal depression creeping in, the mental health on campus was poor, to say the least, as the Fall semester pressed on. Worried about their own—and their peers’—mental health, many students came to the administration requesting increased mental health resources or a smidgeon of academic leniency. Colgate’s student body asked, and of course, the administration answered. 

In a stroke of what one member of the administration called “pure genius,” Colgate eliminated the mental health crisis on campus swiftly and effectively by placing circular inspirational stickers on floors and paths across campus. The stickers in question are adorned with various inspirational sayings, including “Suck It Up,” “Colgate [hearts] Virtue Signaling,” and “Come On, It’s Not That Bad.” Overall, student sentiment has shown these stickers to be a resounding success. One sophomore, Samuel L. Jackson, told The Rag thusly:

 “Who really needs a pass/fail grading option or increased appointments at the Counseling Center? These stickers are fucking dope! Nothing makes me more excited for my two hour Zoom lecture than walking to the Coop and being told ‘Never Give Up.’” Jackson continued, “Why couldn’t I have thought of this? Stickers are cheap to print and they sure as hell look good to people visiting the school on tours!”

When surveying other students, the sentiment seemed to be campuswide. First year Michelle Tyson told us that as she was on her way to the registrar to officially drop out, she saw one the circles on the ground which “completely changed” her outlook. The circle in question said simply “Good Job!”; and upon seeing this sticker, Tyson told us that her mood instantly felt “100 times better.” The stickers around campus have managed to boost students’ serotonin and dopamine levels, completely erasing any problems that persisted in the student body. The Rag hopes that Colgate’s administration will continue with their superb handling of mental health during the pandemic and potentially even branch out to stickers with more sayings and possibly even shapes other than circles(!). The Rag pledges to keep our readers up-to-date with the future of Colgate’s inspirational circles.

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life Tagged With:

Jug’s Temporary Closing Sparks Debate

March 5, 2021 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — As the current COVID-19 pandemic continues to shape Colgate’s intrinsically classist landscape, the Hamiltonian business owners are hoping to likewise adapt to what many on the hill like to call “the new normal,” which is to say, everyone is only pretending to wear masks at all times and parties just became that much more exclusive and awkward. One of the most notable changes to the layout of the Village is the (supposedly temporary) close of a first-year staple, a legendary beer hall, a New World Church: The Old Stone Jug. Many students approached the Rag for comment, such as sophomore Aya Donkare:

“I think it’s really weird you guys are writing this article like John Jug is some kind messiah, because frankly, the Jug is disgusting as fuck and I don’t know why anyone ever goes there. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen dead bodies at the bottom of that weird staircase behind the bar, and every time it gets too crowded, someone ends up passing me an empty Dasani water bottle full of fucking piss. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Aren’t you all graduating soon? Grow the fuck up.”

To say the least, the Jug has seen its fair share of unjust criticism from various Hamiltonian stakeholders; including the hockey team (aren’t you guys like 25?), the local police force, and “absolute fuckin’ losers,” according to local Blue Diamond Society member Snared Bosen, who came to the defense of the proud institution:

“Honestly, if you hate the Jug, you don’t deserve it. Maybe I like the coke that’s 80% drywall, and who the fuck are you to judge me? … To be honest, I’ve also made a killing on reselling these rich bitch Canada Goose jackets. Gets me a lot of drywall coke. So much.”

There stands to be a large hole in the Colgate community with the absence of one of the most mythical destinations in the continental United States, and with this hole comes a power vacuum with many vying for power over the Colgate social scene. The Rag will keep up-to-date on this story.

Filed Under: News, Student Life Tagged With:

No, President Casey was NOT Involved in Curtis Orgies

March 2, 2021 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — On one night in September, the unimaginable happened: people had sex in Curtis Hall.  More specifically, a group of people, with the numbers ranging anywhere from four to 130.  Rumors have since circulated about the night in question, with students wondering who was there and what exactly went down to make the night so infamous.

A rumor that has been circulating recently is that Colgate President Brian Casey was present that night.

“Is that a fucking rumor?  That’s goddamn untrue.  Empirically false,” Jordan Quinn, the fifth in the orgy, said.  “I want some damn respect.  His saggy-ass balls were not involved in that euphoric night in nirvana.”

Members of said orgy are not the only ones to discount the veracity of such a salacious rumor.

“Woah.  Is that true?” a rightfully skeptic Friend, Sierra Wilson, asked.  “I can’t believe that my president — I mean, President Casey would do something like that.  (You’re not going to print that about ‘My president,’ right?)”

Rumors surrounding Casey’s closeness with the student body and the students’ bodies have been categorically proven false.  It is unknown where they stemmed from and assumptions can only be made about their origins.  

The Curtis Hall Basement was built as a labyrinth, so members of the unofficially named “Bimonthly Curtis Sex Club” set-up signs directing interested parties to the room of their choice.  Uninvited residents of Curtis Hall allegedly called campus police to report the “Health and Community Guidelines” violations after allegedly hearing repeated moaning, splashing and bed frame bumping.

“The first thing I want to say is that at no point did I see President Casey present at the orgy or in any of the other rooms.  I would like to repeat: President Casey was NOT at the orgy,”  Campus Officer Walter Wolfe said, continuing, “I arrived at Curtis and, God, I’ve never witnessed anything like that.  There were neon strip lights taped up all around the basement.  There were signs saying things like ‘Furry Room: Let Your Animal Out,’ ‘Key Party: Swing the Door and Swing Tonight,’ and ‘Orgy.’  I opened the door to the orgy room because, you know, I had to respond to the call and wow.  That was the first time I’ve seen something like that in person.”

While students have been critical of the events that occurred that night, some students are quick to clarify that they are by no means kink shaming.

“First of all, I just want to say that orgies and kinks of any kind are good and should be fully explored with willing and enthusiastic consent,” Finding, Understanding, and Connecting with Kinks Club President Rachel Hawley said. “However, we strongly denounced, again, denounce, these actions. Not because of the nature of the sexual actions that were carried out, but because of how incredibly selfish and unsafe these actions were during a pandemic. [These members] knew we were still in Gate 1 at that point. They took their own needs and wants and placed them above the safety of the wider community.”

The Rag continues to monitor the situation and will provide updates as more information comes to light.

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life Tagged With: , , ,