HAMILTON, NY — As the current COVID-19 pandemic continues to shape Colgate’s intrinsically classist landscape, the Hamiltonian business owners are hoping to likewise adapt to what many on the hill like to call “the new normal,” which is to say, everyone is only pretending to wear masks at all times and parties just became that much more exclusive and awkward. One of the most notable changes to the layout of the Village is the (supposedly temporary) close of a first-year staple, a legendary beer hall, a New World Church: The Old Stone Jug. Many students approached the Rag for comment, such as sophomore Aya Donkare:
“I think it’s really weird you guys are writing this article like John Jug is some kind messiah, because frankly, the Jug is disgusting as fuck and I don’t know why anyone ever goes there. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen dead bodies at the bottom of that weird staircase behind the bar, and every time it gets too crowded, someone ends up passing me an empty Dasani water bottle full of fucking piss. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Aren’t you all graduating soon? Grow the fuck up.”
To say the least, the Jug has seen its fair share of unjust criticism from various Hamiltonian stakeholders; including the hockey team (aren’t you guys like 25?), the local police force, and “absolute fuckin’ losers,” according to local Blue Diamond Society member Snared Bosen, who came to the defense of the proud institution:
“Honestly, if you hate the Jug, you don’t deserve it. Maybe I like the coke that’s 80% drywall, and who the fuck are you to judge me? … To be honest, I’ve also made a killing on reselling these rich bitch Canada Goose jackets. Gets me a lot of drywall coke. So much.”
There stands to be a large hole in the Colgate community with the absence of one of the most mythical destinations in the continental United States, and with this hole comes a power vacuum with many vying for power over the Colgate social scene. The Rag will keep up-to-date on this story.
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