HAMILTON, NY — COVID-19 restrictions have changed the social scene of Colgate, and with these changes come awkward growing pains of finding new places to grind up on sweaty, disgusting strangers in a dimly lit room. Luckily for the incoming class of ‘24 (holy shit, you guys are babies), the absence of the former Old Stone Jug may go unnoticed as other local businesses step up to the metaphorical plate, including local favorite Rusch’s Bar & Grill, who in the past few weeks has removed all booths and tables from their main dining room and replaced them with sticky “elevated surface units,” splintering benches and, for some reason no one can figure out, a hot dog roller machine.
A new local representative for Rusch’s and self-described “philanthropist bad boy” Ron Rusch provided the following (unintelligible) comment:
“Slay. Come blackout at Rusch’s. Lit. Fuck cops.”
In addition to these new developments, Rusch’s has opted into a new ID checking system and employee training regiment: instead of running a given ID under various blacklights and through a registry, waiters and waitresses now rely on the “cover-the-birthday technique” that, according to Ron Rusch himself, “operates through a series legal loopholes that depends on our employees not actually knowing how old the individual is, regardless of if we checked the ID or not. Slay!”
To hit their new target demographic, Rusch’s has also incorporated many new drinks into their menu (while removing basically everything else), such as the “Fuck You, Eat Shit,” a delicious mix of alcoholic milk, a whiteclaw, everything bagel seasoning, and gasoline—only for $15! Regular and alleged senior Jess Takid had the following to say:
“I found out about the deals at Rusch’s through Snapchat,” Takid said. “They put a snapcode on their menu and everyone I know has been adding them to get the best deals. You can even buy a VIP card which gets you a table faster and lets you skip the lines.”
The Rag sent an undercover reporter to Rusch’s this past weekend to check out the scene for themselves, returning with juicy tidbits of information about the new underbelly of Colgate’s downtown drinking scene:
“The drinks were honestly not that bad,” they told us. “I got the Rush Rusch’s special pitcher. It tasted kinda like the foam at the end of a keg mixed with some Hawaiian Punch, but all-in-all, it did the job.”
Our undercover reporter also told us that apparently, if you Venmo the bartender $10, you get access to a filthy, crowded bathroom where you can publicly do coke off of the top of the toilet tank.
The Monthly Rag 
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