HAMILTON, NY — The Rag is pleased to be able to bless our readers today with an unreleased copy of Laura Jack’s upcoming email. Jack has recently become a popular name around campus for inspiring us weekly with her updates, rising to an unprecedented stardom where we honestly don’t really know where she came from, yet now we can’t stop hearing the name. Jack reported that she herself is actually a dedicated reader of The Rag, and she relishes the opportunity to contribute to the “fucking coolest and sickest members of the community” (her words, not ours) with an early email preview, which are usually in high demand and go for a trade equal to around four meal swipes or an eighth of weed slipped under her door. So enjoy this one for free:
What’s up motherfuckers,
I have both good and bad news. Although we still have zero new COVID cases on campus, surveillance testing yielded a total of 224 positive student cases of having-a-weird-experience-in-the-chobe. Those affected have all been transferred to sleeping bags in the Fojo courtyard, and we hope their next two weeks in quarantine there will allow them ample time to return back to a normal state of mind. The HAT will be meeting tomorrow in order to determine whether this yields a move back to Gate 0.
One of the affected students reported to me, “It was just truly jarring. When I opened up my house salad to find that the lettuce had been replaced with that random pourable yogurt, it really threw me for the day. Honestly, I’d prefer that random quarantine turkey to this experience, so I support the Gate 0 idea.” Updates soon.
On a different note, I would like to definitely and absolutely confirm that in my latest email regarding our move to Gate 3, literally nothing in that email was important besides the fact that bedroom visitations are now allowed.
TLDR; You can fuck now, but keep a mask on?
That’s it for now. Hope you’re all looking forward to the day off on Friday when you feel even more pressured to break the rules. Keep up the C+ work. I know personally I’m continuing to thank the heavens that we’re in such a rural place, because we all know we wouldn’t have made it this far without that. Talk to you kids soon.
Laura H. Jack, Vice President for Communications
The Monthly Rag 
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