Hamilton Police Officer Awarded Colgate Medal of Honor for Disrupting Fourth 12-Person Gathering This Week

HAMILTON, NY — Brian Casey took a break from bootsucking to celebrate the achievements of Hamilton Police Officer Eat Shitpig, hailing the deputy as “truly, the second coming of Jesus Christ” before adorning his sweaty, shitty shoulders with the lid of a tin can on a string: the Colgate Medal of Honor, otherwise known as the highest possible award an individual (with an income of less than $72,000) can receive from the University. This past week, Officer Shitpig had truly done his force well, trespassing on private property courageously risking his life in light of the COVID-19 pandemic to interrupt unlawful off-campus gatherings numbering as many as twelve(!) whole individuals, truly asserting that cops are trustworthy, reliable, honest, and hardworking people.

The Rag interrupted Officer Shitpig’s donut binge and approached him for comment:

“Huh? Oh, yeah! I fucked those kids over. Absolutely dicked them. Told them I wouldn’t report anything because they were all spaced from each other and wearing masks and stuff. Stupid little shits.”

Officer Shitpig then waddled away, notably fucking-right-off past a crowd stumbling out of Phi Delta Theta’s driveway. Shitpig then knucklebumped the brother working door, kicked a nearby puppy and threw a brick at a car driving down Broad Street before hopping into his own vehicle and chasing his victim down for the unlawful activity of doing 32 in a 30 with a hole in their windshield.

As the Colgate Police State continues to tighten its grasp on the (non-affiliated) Colgate community, many students find themselves–again–incredibly pissed off with the absolute audacity of the University. One anonymous student wrote the following to the Rag via Instagram:

“Point blank, the University is full of shit; they’re more than happy with breaking up minor gatherings between friends but will allow hundred-people gatherings and give GLOs a slap on the wrist. Between that, the constant tours occurring on campus and the fact that we are being increasingly harassed by the administration when only fucking staff members are positive cases, it really makes you wonder what the fuck Brian Casey is smoking and if we students can get some.”