HAMILTON, NY — Cryptocurrencies and NFTs (Non-Fungible Tokens) are all the rage these days as late stage capitalism takes an increasingly firm grip on our pathetic, inconsequential lives. Nothing is more exciting than paying real money for a virtual currency that is accepted at a grand total of about seven locations. However, all that is about to change. The Colgate administration recently announced their plans to convert all existing ‘Gate Cash into cryptocurrency known as ‘Gate Coin. The university spokesperson, Tawkin Hedd, told us that Colgate made this move in order to “appeal to the younger, tech-savvy generation” and “get kids involved in cryptos to prepare them for life after Colgate.” According to the finance office, Colgate is acquiring this cryptocurrency by using the computer labs located around campus to mine ‘Gate Coin overnight.
All students with existing ‘Gate Cash are advised to use it as soon as possible before it expires the first day of finals week. The administration also promised that with these changes would come “great improvements” in the businesses that accept payment in the form of ‘Gate Coin. Hedd told the Rag that “at least two” local businesses had already signed on, including VJ Magro’s and the Advance Auto Parts next to Price Chopper.
Another bonus benefit of the shift to crypto is the intense volatility of ‘Gate Coin. According to a few early adopters, the value of the money in their accounts rapidly fluctuated between the value of a McChicken and a modestly used Tesla. One student told us “I put $5 in my account to do some laundry, and the next day when I looked I had like 200 bucks! But by the time I left to go splurge, I had like 75 cents and my card declined.”
With the introduction of a decentralized, non-physical currency comes significant changes to the established Colgate environment–which is to say, people are using the cryptocurrency for bribes and no one is subtle about it. As use of ‘Gate Coin increases across campus, so does the demand for the “currency” based on, in the words of Brian Casey himself, “deez [sic] nuts, you stupid fuck.” An anonymous source that regularly deals illicit substances to various GLOs across campus had the following comment:
“Put simply, Colgate has created a new Silk Road [The interviewee stopped here to do a sign of the cross.] that operates in the microcosm of Broad Street. If you got ‘Gate, I got your shit, no holds barred. I use it in my transactions, to pay off the delivery guy, to get Campo off my ass … The list goes on. But remember, loose lips sink ships.”
In addition to this comment, another unknown individual spontaneously showed up at the Monthly Rag Office (read: a house where two of our editors live) wearing a XXXL trenchcoat, a ski mask, fingerless gloves and combat boots before screaming the following at the top of his lungs, regardless of if anyone was listening or not:
“WOOOOOO!!! ‘GATE TO THE MOOOOOOON!!!! DIAMOND HANDS, MOTHERFUCKER. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THIS SHIT IN 2050, BITCH; AEPS TOGETHER STRONG.”
All in all, the new change is mildly puzzling. Student mental health is only hanging on by the thought of multiple consecutive 50-plus degree days, and seniors are struggling to find jobs post-grad in a Covid-altered world, but for some reason Colgate is only concerned with making student’s lives more complicated. As the ‘Gate Coin continues to roll out, the Rag will keep our readers updated with the latest information.
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