Colgate’s Second Care Package to Include Mac and Cheese, Tuna Melt and Gilligan’s Ice Cream

HAMILTON, NY — Many remote students were surprised, to say the least, when they opened the manila folders containing vacuum-sealed pizza slices sent to them by Colgate University, and to our dismay, administration representative and Liaison of Odd Select Entities to Remoters Carl D’Bourbox has informed us that there is more to come:

“In the coming weeks, we plan to send more flavors that we know remote students are missing by partnering with local businesses and restaurants — or at least, the ones that aren’t tired of our shit yet. Our friends at Hamilton Eatery and Maxwell’s have been kind enough to provide us with their beloved mac and cheese and tuna melts as well as Gilligan’s homemade; in fact, they kind of just gave it to us out of the blue! And in true Colgate fashion, we even convinced them to do all the labor for us by paying them crazy amounts of money!”

Concerned about the logistics of this second package, The Rag decided to probe for further information, asking how the food would be preserved given the incredible distance between some remote students and Colgate:

“We’re just gonna dump a big ol’ glob of mac on top of a shrink-wrapped tuna melt and pray for the best; maybe we could, like, freeze it or something? I honestly have no clue about the ice cream, but godamnit, we’re gonna get it there,” exclaimed D’Bourbox.

Of course, the administration’s ability raises interesting questions concerning how exactly Colgate’s budget has funds for mailing individually packaged pieces of pizza, and yet, the cesspool that is Gate House still exists. According to the packages themselves, this bad idea was actually some crazy fucko’s donation; meanwhile, Green Bikes can’t buy new bikes after students decided to lose, sell, or even destroy the program’s inventory. In the interest of seeing what other events alumni are pursuing, The Rag decided to go to the most reliable source of information possible: God-President Brian Casey himself.

“We get a ton of ridiculous donations,” Casey started. “Someone once wanted to bring back the Cane Rush and was willing to pay everyone’s medical bills; another anonymous donor wanted Colgate to have another pipeline to the US Military. All in all, this was maybe a more tame solution to appeasing those psycho rich bastards.” The Rag will continue to pursue this story to let its readers know if they should be expecting anything else in the mail from the university — because at this point, who fucking knows what they’ll think of next.