Basted and Wasted Drinking Game

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

In honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, we at the Monthly Rag wanted to show our thanks to our loyal readership. We understand that pong isn’t an ideal family activity, and the break is a hard time away from binge drinking for the Colgate student body. That said, we present to you a Thanksgiving dinner drinking game that the whole* family can enjoy.

*maybe not young children

Players: 1+

Materials:

(1) Bottle of Champagne, something expensive
At least (4) bottles of your parents’ nicest red wine
Bourbon and eggnog
(1) rack of Keystone

Instructions:

  1. Start dinner off with a champagne toast to your fraternity. Chug the whole glass and smash it at the end to establish dominance.
  2. Drink a glass of red wine between each bite of vegetables to mask the taste.
  3. After dinner, work on your holiday weight gain by drinking bourbon and eggnog until you feel sick. Don’t forget to Snap “reply chug” at this step.
  4. As everyone is sitting down for the football game, yell about how Keystone Light is the only acceptable type of beer. Try to teach your grandmother how to shotgun. Get written out of the will.
Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

Sex Position: Carving the Turkey

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

This position takes several hours of preparation, but the delicious “dinner” that you and your lover will enjoy is worth it. First, cover your bed in mash potatoes and bathe in gravy. Before getting on the bed, lay out green beans, cranberry sauce, and sweet potatoes around the edges of the bed. Then, position yourself between the side dishes and do your best to shape yourself like a turkey. When your lover arrives, he’ll be shocked at the mess you made at first, but once you invite him to “stuff” you, he should be over how gross this all is. Make sure to refuse to move from your turkey position and only make strange bird noises while bumping funnies. If you still need something more to do after, you can always get out the whipped cream and pumpkin pie. Enjoy!

Filed Under: Drinking Games & Sex Positions, Uncategorized

Administration Thrilled by Family Weekend Petraeus Speech

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — The Colgate Office of Admission, the Department of Public Relations, and other senior members of the administration have been ecstatic about what they have described as the resounding success of former general David Petraeus’ recent visit. “This is one of the greatest successes in the University’s history,” declared Vice Deputy Provost for Advertising David White, who staff members reportedly saw achieving climax when adding details about the visit to his latest brochure. One member of the development department told the Rag that she and her husband had had been having some problems in the bedroom, but after seeing the faces of several parents in the financial sector after the talk, in which the general spoke glowingly of the ability he had observed in Wall Street bankers, she drove home at 90 miles per hour and the rest of the night was “better than my honeymoon.” It wasn’t just members of the administration. Connecticut sophomore and member of Gamma Phi Beta Emily Vandervleet attended the presentation with her father, a hedge fund manager and avid watcher of the History channel. She informed the Rag that she and many attendees sitting in her row were disturbed by her father’s visible erection.

Many have questioned why the disgraced General’s forced resignation as Director of the CIA was not mentioned, or why he was never questioned about the agency’s unaccountable drone program, and one faculty member called the whole spectacle, including the introduction and Q&A, “a shocking genuflection before power by a supposedly academic institution,” while others have referred to it a “Brochure Porn.” One Sophomore expressed disappointment, saying he “wished they talked more about him trading national secrets for head.” Another Junior told the Rag he regretted being stuck in an hour and a half long speech on national security on a Saturday evening, but he had expected that the event was about The Dispatch’s song ‘The General.’ Despite all the administration considers the event a success. President Brian Casey told the Rag he knew that the $100,000 speaking fee was money well spent when one parent came up afterwards and told him “I often make fun of my wife for bringing wet wipes everywhere, but I was glad to have them there. ft er he talked about Ideas, The National Conversation, and Private Innovation, I had a little Surge of my own.”

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

Beta Redecorates for Needed Fear Factor

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

*Trigger Warning* This article contains discussion of alleged sexual assaults and rape

HAMILTON, NY — This past October, in the spirit of Halloween, many Broad Street residences decided to adorn their front lawns with spooky figurines and other eerie props. 88 Broad Street, home to Beta Theta Pi, was no exception. The Beta sophomores spent the first week of October stretching imitation cobwebs across their shrubbery, erecting plastic tombstones in their lawn, and hanging faux-skull-garlands from the building’s ivory columns. The redecoration, according to student sources, served as a much needed Halloween-makeover because, as everyone knows, Beta wasn’t even remotely scary before.

Area junior, Rebecca Thornton, explains, “Before the props went up, the only things to fear in reference to Beta were the numerous allegations of sexual assault lodged against brothers within the fraternity—you know baby stuff. But now that there’s a pair of skeleton hands reaching out to me from the walkway, the house definitely gives off the creeps.”

Thornton went on, “I guess some people think that all that rape stuff from last semester is a little more frightening than the props; but not me. I mean what do you think is more disconcerting? A gaggle of dark, eerie, decaying, gravestones marked “R.I.P.,” or the measly fact that two alleged sexual assaults took place there last semester and absolutely no recognizable changes have been made to Beta parties that would ensure attendants’ safety? I’m just saying, if anything, I think they could have shelled out some more dough for spookier props—but I guess I shouldn’t be so harsh, Beta’s always been strapped for cash.”

However, Thornton was one of the few who thought Beta’s Halloween decorations could stand to get scarier. Colgate senior, Jenny King, had an opposite opinion; she admitted that the fraternity’s fear factor is actually “getting overwhelming.” King reasoned, “Honestly the only thing that’s getting me through my daily walks by the house is that, after Halloween, I know the terror will end. Thank god I’m not afraid of the fact that Beta hasn’t kicked out a single brother actively facing rape accusations, otherwise it would be like every day is as scary as Halloween!”

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Still-Lame Freshman Disappoints Parents

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — Zach Caggiano had been ecstatic when he received his acceptance letter to Colgate University. “I just remember thinking, ‘finally, a school full of nerds like me.’ It was cool to think that all those years of studying on Fridays, dateless homecomings, and fogged up glasses had paid off.” Caggiano had expected every student to be just as invested in the debates of Marvel versus Mario Kart as he was. “I definitely got a strong gamer vibe when I got on campus. Smash isn’t usually my thing, but hey, college is about taking risks, right?” To Caggiano’s disappointment, Colgate students were more Bobby Kennedy than Ben Kenobi. Still, the New Jersey native was determined to make the best of the situation.

Despite being in a single and the only freshman boy on his floor, Caggiano assumed he could get by on his natural “people skills.” However, many students didn’t seem to mesh with their classmate. Says fellow first-year, Stacie Choy, “Yeah, my friends and I tried to get him to go to get Slices with us one of the first nights and he said he’d already eaten. We made these plans at, like, 3 in the afternoon.” After further investigation, it became clear that most nights Caggiano is content to stay in his dorm, watching the old Star Trek movies.

Needless to say, Zach has been looking forward to his grand return to Hoboken, New Jersey, home of Cake Boss. His parents had also been anxiously anticipating Zach’s homecoming. His mother, Amy Caggiano, a Kappa alumna, had hoped that dorm living would force Zach into human interaction and some social awareness, while Zach’s father, John Caggiano, had delusional aspirations that his son would return with a new found affinity to his bros, Natty Light, and the devil’s lettuce. Mr. Caggiano stated, “College was the best four years of my life and I’ll be damned if Zach doesn’t feel the same way. All me and my friends did was get fucked up and fuck shit up. It was a crucial period of personal growth for me. Geez, I hope that kid goes out more than he did in high school.” Much to the chagrin of both parents, Zach appeared to show no signs of change, other than a newfound affinity for pizza with ranch. “Well, I don’t know what I expected, exactly, but it was not this,” said Mrs. Caggiano, “I even went through his wallet to see if he had a fake. If he does he left it at school.” Mr. Caggiano was overwhelmed with disappointment and unavailable to comment, however Zach was more than willing to recount his father’s reaction. “Well, he didn’t talk to me all weekend, which would’ve been fine, except he took away my XBox. When I left on Sunday, he basically told me if I wasn’t cool enough to get into a frat next year, he was gonna disown me. I thought that was kinda harsh.”

Mr. Caggiano was kind enough to offer financial assistance to any student able to get Zach into at least DU. He can be reached at 201-372-8264.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Admissions Makes Progress with the 99%

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With the incoming class of 2021 representing an astounding forty-nine states, 128 countries, and more than two tax brackets, the Office of Admission has had to match the outstandingly diverse First-Years by expanding their hip cool-kid lingo. The usual questions of “Which firm does your dad work for?” and “What’re you pledging?” gave way to the new: “How did you get to school without a driver to take you?” and “What’s it like growing up with both of your parents working?” With the influx of those who couldn’t afford Colgate’s astounding $70,000 tuition with their pocket change, unique relationships are budding all over campus.

“I think it’s uh… I think it’s cool,” claimed the first white dude the Rag could find to interview, a reliable demographic. “Like, my roommate is from Mississippi, but he’s like… He didn’t know what a Juul was; he didn’t know about where I was from—Westchester represent — so like… I couldn’t understand him, but I guess he’s ok. He taught our Wilderness Adventure clique how to cook a hotdog. He knew how ‘cause he didn’t have a chef… which is chill I guess…” The roommate in question was unavailable for comment; he was apparently occupied with a six-page questionnaire supplied by admissions asking him about how to eat various Southern delicacies officers might be offered, such as barbeque sandwiches and fried chicken.

Apparently, different states warranted different treatment; a self-proclaimed South Dakotan remembers, “They doubted my state existed; like, they just forgot about South Dakota. I had to point it out on their map because they didn’t believe me when I showed them a picture on my phone. They thought it was photoshopped.” In fact, when offered a blank map of the United States, an unnamed Admissions staffer could only point out thirteen states, swathing the entire Gulf of Mexico and labelling it as “HOT SOUP AIR” while simultaneously encircling a space from Nebraska to Idaho and tagging it as “???”

“We’re improving,” explained another employee who scored a 27/50. “See? I got a 54%, and when accounting for Colgate’s grade deflation, that’s a solid C.”

To say the least, the increasing division between a small upper echelon that scoffed at the FAFSA (60% of the first-year class) and those that may or may not have sold some portion of their liver to attend Colgate has created an interesting dichotomy, one in which cultures and interests collide to create some sort of mish-mash of Vineyard Vine yacht-rats and everyone else who can’t afford a yacht. Colgate can always rely on the Office of Admission to create a welcoming environment for people of all backgrounds and cultures. With the positive trend in the grades of their elementary-school-esque coloring sheets of various countries proving more prevalent than ever, the Monthly Rag can conclude that the Office may eventually disqualify any applications coming from Wyoming, or what the various Admissions employees dub, “TRICK QUESTION.”

Filed Under: Administration, Uncategorized

EU to Bar Colgate Fraternities from Study Abroad

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

Frat Star Behavior Apparently Unacceptable Outside of the United States

HAMILTON, NY — Last Thursday, Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Union, proposed a ban which would bar all members of Colgate frats from studying abroad anywhere in Europe. Juncker cited incidents such as turning Tuscan wine tastings into beer pong tournaments, wearing basketball jerseys and khakis (formally known as “Fraturday attire”) for the duration of their stay, and asking everyone they met “who do you know here?” In his passionate speech to the assembly, Juncker also complained that, “these frat stars have ruined Oktoberfest and St. Patty’s day. I don’t know how they managed to shotgun a pitcher of beer, but it has to end here. We need to take a stand against these entitled, preppy assholes. They can’t treat all of Europe like The Hunt, and for Christ’s sake, stop replying when they text ‘you up?’”

Despite this looming possibility of not being able to return to Europe, the general sentiment among the Colgate frat star community was apathetic. When asked for a comment, one Phi Tau pledge said, “It’s whatever. I honestly don’t even want to go abroad anyway, why would I want to leave my frat for a whole semester? Do you know how many fraturdays I would miss? And I heard they don’t even have Keystone Light in Europe.” Similarly, Matt Johnson, a junior in Tach, stated, “I’m kind of relieved I won’t be able to go abroad next semester, seems like a lot of work, and besides, I heard about one brother last year who went away and when he got back, all of his booty calls were over him. I cannot have that happen to me.”

Although most of the frats seem to be unbothered by the potential ban, one senior in Beta shared a different opinion. He remarked that his abroad experience in Prague was “dope,” and that, “I’m honestly annoyed that the rest of the juniors won’t be abroad next semester. It’s going to mess with our rotation of which Jeep Wranglers to display in the driveway. I want mine to be out there all the time—it definitely most embodies how wealthy and douchey we are—but the house manager says that we have to split the time. Also, with the juniors here I’ll be forced to give them some time to haze pledges. Like, c’mon guys, I’m a senior, I might never have another chance to watch two guys cover each other in peanut butter and lick it off each other.”

The European population seems to be largely in favor of the ban, and it is expected to pass unanimously.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized

Beta to Quench Blood Thirst with Participation in Deer Cull

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY — As the townies cock their guns and students don their neon-yellow hazard jackets, the spirit of the Deer Cull can be felt throughout the entire population of Hamilton. Hower, no greater energy for this beloved event exists than in the walls of Beta Theta Pi as they prepare for this year’s hunting season.

An anonymous Rag informant in the fraternity’s ranks gave us an inside scoop of their plans. “Since we’re all future CEOs, we figured we’ve got quite a few psychopaths and sociopaths in our frat already.” The informant continued, “And have you seen American Psycho? We can’t just throw our future execs into that reality without some sort of practice of what it’s like to kill. Most of these guys probably skinned a few cats when they were young anyway, but we think moving onto the big stuff really gives them an edge when they graduate.”

Though such sadism in Greek life is no news to Colgate’s campus, the administration’s recent crackdown on hazing has surprisingly forced the fraternity to turn toward the deer cull as an alternative for their aggression. A recent pledge, delighted to take part in the hunt and to hear that he wouldn’t be tortured, responded “I think this cull thing is a fantastic idea! I mean, I’m really good at finding girls around parties when they try to get away, so hunting is gonna be a breeze. Plus I slipped some stuff in the feeders, if you know what I mean, so the deer won’t be getting that far anyway.”

Some students don’t seem to share the pledge’s same enthusiasm though. The Colgate PETA group is up in arms, demanding that hazing receives less disciplinary action in an attempt to push Beta away from deer and back to quenching their blood lust on people instead. When Dean McLoughlin was approached about this developing issue, he responded, “I mean, I’d rather our boys do it on campus where it’s safe than out in the real world. I couldn’t care less if it’s on deer or people. But is that really what the frats are into now? Killing? Do you think they would come to my tailgate if I hosted something with that?”

And so it seems the hunt remains on this year. If you hear the revving of a chainsaw or see the mutilated parts of deer hanging from the rafters of Beta, don’t be alarmed. In fact, join them in releasing all your pent-up rage on a living animal at the next Colgate-sponsored tailgate.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized

Skiing Added to Economics Curriculum

November 28, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a stunning reversal of the previous “Don’t Snort and Tell” policy, the Economics department at Colgate University has decided to add a section on how to properly snort a huge line of blow to their recent fall midterms. Professor Bourreau of the Economics Department explained the reasons behind this change in a private interview with this journalist at a location on campus which will remain undisclosed: “A lot of my new students in Intro to Econ just kind of, like, inhale the line, y’know? Or they form these really shitty little slugs that are so thick that it doesn’t go in cleanly, and then they lose a fucking ton of the blow. If they want to go into finance, that shit ain’t gonna FUCKING cut it y’knowwhati’msaying? You need your head COMPLETELY in the game when you get into the arena of financial manipulation and stockbroking, and if these guys think they’re gonna get by taking tiny bitch bumps so they can tell all their little English and Philosophy major pothead fuck-up friends how cool they are, well, they’re dead fucking wrong.” These statements were followed up by forming an enormous line of cocaine with a black Visa Infinite credit card and snorting it off a prostitute’s backside, which this journalist was invited to partake in and politely declined.

The class midterm, after a section on productivity and frictional versus structural unemployment, will now include a section in which the student is quizzed on how to properly roll up a hundred-dollar bill, the ratio of length to width of a perfect line, and how much cocaine it takes to be at maximum effectiveness when engaging in insider trading with a rising tech company. Additionally, the midterm will now be followed up with copious amount of blow being distributed to the class in a ritualistic orgy.

Students will be drug tested before taking the exam, and anyone without significant quantities of both cocaine and Adderall in their systems will immediately receive a failing grade.

Filed Under: Administration, Student Life, Uncategorized

Mafia Seeks to Improve Communities by Maintaining Crime Rings

October 16, 2017 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— The infamous Five Families of the Italian Mafia have terrorized New York City and the surrounding area for nearly a century. After reaching their zenith in the 1950’s and 60’s, they have slowly declined due to pressure from federal law enforcement and backlash from the local community. Today, some are calling on the FBI and other organizations to make a final push and wipe them out once and for all, but some members believe that the organized crime syndicates can be a benefit for the community and that rather than leaving the life behind, they have a duty to stay and reform from the inside.

Alfonse “Little Al” Giucciduolfo allowed the Rag to interview him in his palatial Brooklyn townhouse. “Eh forgettaboutit, whats da mafia eva done to someone who aint no snitch, or deadbeat, or whooore, or innocent bystanda. Sure, we do a little racketeering and collect protection from some a da locals, but every Christmas we give out free Gabbagool!” Thomas “Little Tommy” Spaciattodololiatari, who managed to cover the whole table we interviewed him at with marinara by gesticulating wildly with his sausage-like fingers, told us “Ey forgettaboutit! So every once in a while we gotta whack some mook or cut some whooooare, dey had it comin’, shoulda been wearin’ somthin sexier. Do I benefit from bein a made guy, yeah I guess it has its perks, but everybody loves us. Even Al da drunk came around afta we cut off his finga. If I stay, I can help des guys make a positive impact on da community, but if I leave, who knows who could come around. I mean yeah if we all quit I guess itd go away, but dats never gonna happin, so I might as well look after number one.”

Recently, several high ranking members’ wives left them after becoming indignant at their husbands’ behavior, but we interviewed several who, after complaining about the “dumb slutty broads and whoooooooars,” that their husbands spend so much time with, nevertheless feel that their husbands should stay in the organization. Mariana Agapadutatieramanucci, who apologized for dressing casually while wearing a full mink coat and several necklaces so gaudy they would make the Migos blush said “Ey forgettaboutit. Nobodies getting’ rich here, its haaahd work.  My Little Tony’s out der bustin his ass every day to put food on our tables. Were stayin in da family to make an impact in da community, not because literally every aspect of our life and our self worth and our status in da community is centahd on it. Sure, da perks is nice, but really we’re just here to help out.”

Filed Under: News, Uncategorized
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