HAMILTON, NY — In the age of technology, it has become increasingly difficult to keep up with the suspicious activities of teens. That’s why we here at The Monthly Rag published our extensive findings on the teen texting language after countless investigations and years of research into shorthand slang, finally getting to the real meaning of commonly used phrases such as “LOL” and “SMH.” After all the positive feedback we received from local parents, we decided to take on the next biggest threat to your child’s mental well being: Venmo. Though it may not be as damaging to your child’s mental health as Instagram or as dangerous as Snapchat’s “Snap Maps”, it has transformed from a seemingly harmless instant money transfer app into a hub for drug deals and other illicit activity. Is your child engaging in illegal activity? No more need to flip through their diary: the answers lie in their Venmo charge descriptions.

At first, a cursory glance at your teens’ Venmo charges might appear normal, with descriptions like “Uber Ride” or “Chipotle.” While these words might appear inconspicuous, they have the potential to belie something nefarious like the purchasing of drugs, alcohol and other illicit experiences. Your child’s choice of emojis holds all the information you need to get to the bottom of their life. Some of the more obvious ones include any type of drink emoji, whether that be clinking champagne glasses (golden showers) or the baby bottle full of milk (they are probably paying to “take care of” a pregnancy). Our studies show that 99% of nature-related emojis are used to represent the black market pet trade. Another common mistake is the use of the ski slope emoji. I hate to break it to my fellow parents out there, but little Tommy is probably not hitting the ski slopes again this weekend, as he is too busy taking a sweet, sweet snort of cocaine. Other common codes are: the crescent moon emoji, signifying the joining of a cult; the gas emoji, signifying a donation to Iraqi civilians displaced by the United States invasion of Iraq; a smiley face, signifying the payment for a “happy ending” at a local massage parlor. A Venmo charge containing two or more emojis strung next to each other, no matter how random they might seem, definitely means that your little angel is mainlining low-grade heroin.

HAMILTON, NY — Classes are back in session, and students are buzzing with talk about the newest addition to campus — the Chobani Café. Strapped for cash after overdoing Bicentennial celebrations and rebranding, President Casey and university leaders wanted to continue the trend of surface-level facelifts to make quick buck. “We took a lot of inspiration from HGTV,” the Board of Trustees wrote in a letter to the Rag. “Honestly, [we] knew we could slap a brand name on something that already existed, add a few more square feet and make some of our money back pretty easily.” Chobani was an easy choice for the administration, as all it required was scaling up the Chobani bar in the Coop, and remodeling the Lib Café after one that already existed in Soho. “It was too easy,” Casey said.

Colgate Dining Services has noticed that the new café already has an endearing nickname from the students, “The Chobe,” or occasionally, “The Chode.” Despite the cute nickname, many students are not pleased with the changes. Junior Anita Swype weighed in on the situation. “Yeah, honestly, fuck the Chobe. Like what’s up with the fact that they literally only serve yogurt? All I want is coffee and maybe some cookies or a pastry swiped for me by underclassmen,” Swype said.

Going undercover, members of the Rag staff confirmed Swype’s claim. Every single item on the menu at the Chobani Cafe contains some form of yogurt. Cream cheese? Nope, it’s greek yogurt. Salad dressing? Yogurt-based. Baked goods? Made with yogurt. Water? Yogurt-infused. Following the investigation, the Rag reported one major conclusion: if you’re lactose intolerant, avoid the Chobe at all costs. If you’re vegan, just take deep breaths until you can trick your stomach into feeling like you’ve eaten.

In a recent poll of the student body, disapproval of the new café hit numbers higher than Dean McLoughlin in his first semester. 98% of students reported feeling “fucking pissed” about the new limited swipes program, 83% responded “what the fuck” to the menu prices, and 87% reported the weirdly-shaped bagels making them “uncomfortable and confused about how to eat it.” Perhaps the most significant statistic to come out of

the survey is the 93% increase in yogurt-related flatulence in the library. Librarians have also commented on the distinct scent that has come to intermingle with the usual smell of aging paper and anxiety sweat.

The Rag reached out to students for more qualitative input on the matter. “I’m actually, like, so furious”, Kappa Senior Sarah Rich said, “they got rid of all the coffee options except, like, two, and Dunkin’ is such a far drive from the lib. How am I gonna get anything done? Totally sickening.” Junior Dirks Encaicos told the Rag he was mainly just confused why Chobani seemed so content with mediocrity. “I mean, they get so mad when we critique something that’s clearly not working, when all we really want is for them to have more cheap coffee options and to bring back the chocolate chip cookies,” Encaicos said.

If one positive were to come out of these changes, it is certainly the unification of the students and the faculty, who almost never agree on anything. After the survey was also sent out to the faculty, students and professors shockingly both polled 100% for “it’s shit.”