Investigation of Emrys_at_Colgate

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—With President Casey’s arrival there has been an uproar around his Instagram account featuring his dog all over Colgate’s campus. Casey has been even been spotted speaking with students as his dog is paraded around iconic building like the Chapel. Luckily, Rag reporters got on the case to investigate how students are taking the new president’s social media splash.

Junior Emily McCewan, an avid Instagram user, was approached for her opinion on the Emrys Instagram. When asked about Emrys’ photo next to the Curtis Clock she responded, “I really like the lighting in the picture but I feel like a Valencia filter really would have brought out the brown in Emrys’ fur. It’s a rookie mistake, but I think that Pres. Casey has some potential.” McCewan is noted for her 1k Instagram followers and her extensive, bordering abusive, use of the “boomerang” feature.

Senior William Richardson told us what he disliked most about the Emrys Instagram, “Sometimes seeing Emry’s pictures in academic buildings makes me remember the dozens of times I’ve cried in those exact places. I’m getting emotional right now just thinking about my orgo test last year. I’m also not sure if he’s even a true Instagram user. It looks like he might be using VSCO cam on some of his pictures.” While we don’t take these allegations lightly, we do hope that Casey will come forward if he has been using third party apps to falsely increase the quality of his pictures.

Overall, students agree that President Casey’s Insta game is strong, but he has room to improve if he seriously wants to engage with social media savvy kids on this campus.

Filed Under: Administration

Tinder Doesn’t Always Lead to Successful Relationships

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Exclusive sources confirm that the popular dating app, Tinder, surprisingly doesn’t always lead to successful relationships at Colgate.

Launched in 2012, it soon became one of the premier dating apps on
the iPhone. Its simple swipe design allows users to easily and efficiently decide between potential matches, making deep emotional connection in a matter of seconds. Users horny in classes, in Case, or sitting on the toilet could simply pull out their phones and hope to connect with a new romantic partner. “The prospect of a quick bone–I mean finding love– is really what brought me to the app,” Jake Jones told our reporters. “I’m one of the nice guys, by the way.”

Recently however, sources say men are becoming more and more disen- chanted with the allures of the dating app. Freshman Will Thomas said, “Sure it’s cool to match with a girl after a couple hundred swipes, but I also want to connect in person. Planning dates to RIG is always fun, but you start to lose interest around the fourth or eighteenth time she flakes.”

These concerning comments from Thomas and from others like him reveal the common disconnect between Tinder’s male and female users. While male users seem to enjoy the idea of a nice hit it and quit it, the majority of women who use the app often have other things to do, such as positively contributing to society.

Filed Under: News

Colgate Senior Discovers New COOP and New Lows

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY— Students returning from off-campus study sometimes experience a culture shock upon returning to campus and to the U.S. However, shock does not quite describe the feelings of one senior, Martin Larsen, returning from the Geneva Study

Group as he re-encountered the Coop this fall. After being jaded by the high cost of living and mocked by snooty native French-speakers in ways he barely understood, the senior longed to gorge himself on endless mozz sticks and onion rings.

 

Unfortunately, Larsen’s beautiful plans could never be realized. The old ways of filling a to-go container to the brim, barely being able to close the lid, and paying for it with a single meal swipe are long over. Students are allowed only one likely need the COOP; students could only take one entrée and stand there as the staff laughed at their miserable selection of sides; and to top it off students had to ask for a to-go container at the register and hope it wasn’t one of the three days a week when none were available. Then they are allowed the opportunity of holding everyone else up as they transferred the pitiful mockery of what the COOP once meant from the useless metal basket to an undersized plastic container.

 

When the senior asked a staffer how this affected the unlimited meal plans, she replied “unlimited meals does not mean unlimited food.” Larsen, mistaking this response as a jesting riddle, probed the staffer further as she explained that students on that plan could swipe whenever they wanted as long as it wasn’t between 11 and 4. “It’s an unlimited plan except for the limitations.” Larsen stumbled out of the COOP, convinced he had crossed into the Twilight Zone on his way back from Geneva or that he needed to drink more in order understand the people who came up with these regulations.

At this time, Larsen was overwhelmed with regret for having pushed so hard to get rid of Sodexo. The evil you know is better than the one that tries to rip you off with overpriced sushi, a meal that perplexingly cannot be part of a meal plan.

Filed Under: Student Life

9/11 Memorial Run Not That Fun

September 26, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Despite the best intentions of Class of 2019 Council, the memorial 5k held this month for the victims of 9/11 was not quite as fun as expected. Apparently, the festive decorations and enjoyable obstacle course did not manage to lighten the mood surrounding the event, says Jack Triphammer ‘18. “It was going well, until I remembered the 2,996 citizens that had their lives tragically cut short due to the tragic attacks of September 11th, 2001.” Triphammer reportedly laid down in the middle of his run, too depressed to pick up his feet for a second longer.

Although the weather held out nicely for the event, with sunshine beaming down onto a beautiful campus, participants apparently had some difficulty running with the added weight of the estimated 600 thousand innocent Iraqi souls killed in a ruthless, ill-executed retribution. Some runners did enjoy themselves, according to Diane Roudinni ‘17, at least until the “overwhelming and damning evidence of a complicit and willing federal government” caught up with them. Runners reported feeling deeply uncomfortable and purposefully vomiting at obstacles that equated the work of first responders to fun and games. 

Overall, the event was a huge success, raising $37.51 for the affected families whose lives were irreversibly devastated that fateful day 15 years ago.

Filed Under: Student Life

Freshman Guy Makes Out with Junior, Embraces Self with Glee

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—In a surprising turn of events after a long first semester at Colgate, Jordan Dexter ’19 totally made out with a hot junior at the Old Stone Jug on Monday night, and then held himself tight as if to contain all the delight coursing through his body.  Dexter, whose first semester at Colgate was marred with rejections from frat houses, blackouts induced by over enthusiastic pregaming, and a general lack of sexual activity, was finally able to attract a woman to the point where she was willing to make out with him while grinding to Sage the Gemini’s “Gas Pedal.”

        “It’s a song I’ll remember forever,” said Dexter as he swayed enthusiastically from side to side with his arms wrapped around himself.  According to his mother, Dexter is a total catch aside from the fact that he’s such a freshman.  Mrs. Dexter told this reporter that her son wore his Gatecard on a lanyard around his neck for the full first semester stating that, “it probably hurt his chances, but my Jordy is really such a sweet and handsome boy.”  Reports indicate that Dexter can’t believe his luck in successfully attracting and making out with a woman who has all the worldly knowledge and sexual confidence of a Colgate junior.

        Said Dexter, “This is the best day of my life. I wonder if she’ll be my Valentine!” Dexter was last reported hugging himself, skipping down the street to the Cruiser stop by the bookstore, and singing Gas Pedal at the top of his lungs.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Foreign Dispatch: Student Abroad Cursed, Asked to Go Home

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—A junior from Colgate University has been asked to return home early from her off-campus study group. While not officially a Colgate program, the Swedish group is affiliated with the university, but at this point is willing to sever ties. Professor Candee Fisher serves as Colgate’s representative to the Board of Directors for the Swedish Program but was reluctant to give details on the student’s fate.

One might ask what led to this stage and if one did ask, another might respond: so many things.  It all began innocently enough with a suitcase handle breaking while on an escalator, causing four people to fall again and again as the escalator pressed onwards.  Then all taxi drivers decide to strike at the same time outside the airport. Last, a slightly too forceful pull on the shower head causes a pipe to burst in the wall, ruining the plumbing for the floor. The problems progressed to dilemmas such as the supervising professor being trapped in an elevator for five hours as soon as the student disembarked. Eventually the dilemmas became crises when Sweden’s famous ‘condom ambulances’ all ran out of lubricated protection on the same day.

“I don’t know how she’s doing it, but we all know it’s her,” remarked the supervisor after his release from the elevator. “She’s always wearing an unlucky number 13. It’s better for all of us if she just goes home.”

The Office of Off-Campus Study, however, is refusing to allow the woman to come back. When asked to comment, a representative said, “we just barely managed to figure out how to send everyone abroad and they’re trying to create more work for us. If she really is cursed, that might explain why we had so many issues. Let them keep her for a little while. Maybe it’ll wear off.”

There is no word yet as to whether the fact Stockholm’s sewers are backing up and flooding the lakes has anything to do with the student in question.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Bullshit Corner February

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

You know what’s bullshit? I’m now a senior and I’ve spent a shitload of my time at Colgate waiting for people to get out of my goddamn way. To all you assholes out there guilty of holding people up on a daily basis, here are three things you can do to prevent people from wanting to burn a fucking effigy of your face.

  1. Stop acting like a fool at Slices. Listen up, dickholes. I know you’re drunk. I know you’re high. I know you think that makes you hot shit. But I hope you know everyone hates you. I guarantee the Slices lady hates you. I hate you, and I’m drunk too. The difference is, despite my blackoutness, I’m acting like a normal person and I don’t mind elbowing dumbasses in the balls/boob to get to my pizza. I only have three more months to enjoy my favorite food on the planet (I’m not being hyperbolic, I went abroad and nothing compares to Slices) and I have zero patience for your incredibly pathetic bullshit. Give the woman your money, take your pizza, and for god’s sake get the FUCK out of my way. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee I won’t verbally cut a bitch before graduation.  

 

  1. Have your PARCEL!!!!!!! email and your Gate Card ready when you pick up your package. If you’re that asshole who gets to the front of the package line and then says “hold on” while you scroll through your emails to figure out in which shelf/bucket/corner of the mailroom your package is located, you honestly don’t deserve a diploma from this “institution of higher learning” because you’re just straight up unprepared to live in the world as a human, let alone an adult. Get your fucking shit together.  

 

3. Shut the fuck up in the library. The amount of time I have spent glaring at people in the library waiting for them to stop using their waste of a voice box is unreal.  You idiots don’t understand that I’m trying to not fail my classes, but I have no choice but to listen to the stupid and often private bullshit you’re prattling on and on about: Your fuck buddy doesn’t want to hook up anymore so you went from being smitten to hating his/her evil guts? Why are you broadcasting this to the entire second floor instead of acting like a normal person? (i.e. crying to your best friend but acting like you don’t care in public.) Take a fucking lap and go to the Chapel House for a cookie and some quiet time.  

Filed Under: Opinions & Editorials, Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Female Student Savagely Mauled by Out of Control Facial Hair

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—On Monday night at approximately 12:30 AM numerous reports came in that a woman had been viciously attacked at the Old Stone Jug. Eyewitnesses saw the dance-floor-make-out proceeding as normal until the woman yanked away, shrieking and clawing at the perpetrator’s scraggly facial hair. Bystanders were confused about the situation until strobe lights revealed the red irritated skin of her chin. The perpetrator did not stick around to assess the wounds his unkempt winter beard had inflicted and fled the scene.

The beardburn victim was evacuated from the building and rushed to the curb by her drunk friends, all of whom proceeded to ditch her for the allure of a hot slice and ranch. Campus Safety picked up the victim upon hearing her agonized moaning, mistaking her for a drunken public menace. A full-scale investigation is being launched by a Campus Safety officer, reportedly so bored out of his mind that he believes the case may actually prove more interesting than doling out parking tickets to cars parked on Academic Drive at 3:25PM.

An eyewitness at the scene of the crime, Kelly Smith ‘16 gave a statement to our reporters, “What? Why are you even asking me this? She wasn’t even bleeding!” While other sources have confirmed that no blood was drawn, the victim has an intensely sore chin that even hurts to wash.

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,

College Dems, Republicans, Host Caucus Night Event; Brawl Ensues

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Campus Safety and Hamilton Police responded to calls at Persson 108 on Monday night, where multiple witnesses say a brutal brawl broke out between members of the College Democrats and College Republicans. The president of the College Republicans, Linus Azov ’16, described the events: “We hosted a joint event with the Dems to watch the Iowa Caucus results, but pretty soon we were all just staring at each other from across the room.” Nobody knows who initiated the fight, but soon both sides were going at it. “All of a sudden I was in a fistfight with someone who was screaming about how liberals were destroying the middle class,” said Dominic DeCocco ’17, a Democrat. Nor were the fights strictly along party lines. “Some guy pushed me against the wall and pressed a butane lighter to my cheek and asked if I ‘Feel the Bern.’ The thing is, I’m not even a Republican!” said Jerry Rivera ’18. The arrival of the Hamilton Police and Campus Safety did little to calm the fracas as students continued to fight. “I arrived just in time to see some kid in a ‘Cruz 2016’ shirt have a chair broken over his head by someone wearing a Jeb! hat,” said Officer David Waters of the Hamilton Police Department. “It was bedlam in there. I’m pretty sure I saw some crazy girl in a Hillary Clinton shirt biting into some poor Rubio supporter’s neck.”

It took police an estimated 30 minutes and two canisters of tear gas to pacify the students. 13 arrests were made. Police attribute the low number of injuries to a lack of alcohol, drugs, or Trump supporters present at the event. Leadership of both clubs confirm that next week’s debate watch party and pub will proceed as scheduled.

Filed Under: News, Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Texas GDI Seeks Social Status, Applies to Kono

February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment

HAMILTON, NY—Noting that he is not on a sports team or part of Greek life, GDI and Colgate Junior Tanner Durant of Austin, TX has applied to be a part of Konosioni, seeking some semblance of social status. “Yeah, I really missed the boat on the whole Greek Life thing. I used to be part of a sports team back then, but now I don’t really have anything that matters around here.” Durant, who does not come from an exceptionally wealthy family and is not from the Northeast, desperately tried to apply to Konosioni. “I figure it’s my last hope for being part of any sort of relevant group here–and I use ‘relevant’ pretty liberally. I don’t think I’m that privileged, so that’ll definitely help my case.” The Texas GDI stated that all the bullshit administrative and philanthropic work for Kono might be worth it if he could just earn validation from his classmates. “I mean, it’s not like Kono is really respected, but it might look good on a resume, and who knows, maybe I can impress a few people with it around here.” Durant went on to say that while it was no substitute for being in a fraternity, maybe, just maybe, being part of the old honors society might make up for his lack of social integration and non-Tri-State place of birth. “Yeah, I could definitely see myself as part of Kono,” he said, looking more and more nervous as he considered his unimpressive resume and lack of leadership positions. “This is really what I need so I can be just one of the boys.” Reports indicate that Durant was not selected to join the honors society, however when reached for comment he stated, “Eh, it seems lame anyway.”

Filed Under: Student Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , ,
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