Better start some cardio training, Colgate. This sex position requires exceptional physical fitness, hence its street name, the “Pass/Fail.” Just like Orgo, you will probably end up crying in frustration, but you need to pass in order to get into Med School. You and your partner will begin in the casual Lotus position, and from there begin the “walk and thrust” portion. You are physically carrying your partner in Lotus, while walking around the room. I hope you’ve been doing your push-ups. This is a very pleasurable, but difficult to master, and generally stressful sex position. Just like your Gen Chem class, you will either do it, or you won’t. The bar is set so low that if you just meet it, the sex will be pretty okay. Why even put yourself through it, you might ask? Well, we at the Rag just don’t know. Maybe you should ask your advisor, or your Dean for guidance.
DRINKING GAME OF THE MONTH
The Freshman Crawl
Are you tired of your regular Monday, Wednesday or Friday evenings? Need to get your rocks off? Do you want to relive the fall semester of your freshman year, or maybe do you just enjoy laughing at freshmen? If so, this is the perfect game to spice up your week! Grab a friend and hit the Res Quad, because it’s Freshman Jug Night.
Materials:
-One handle of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka
-Two cases of White Claw (Mango is preferable, but Variety Pack works, too)
-An eighth of weed and a pipe
-A resistance to Mono
-No Shame.
Instructions:
Take a shot if you see one freshman girl wearing a jean skirt and a crop top
Take three shots if you see a group of 5 or more freshman girls wearing a jean skirt and a crop top
Take a shot if someone asks to rip your juul
Chug a Claw if you ask to rip someone else’s juul
Take 4 shots when the Andrews dorm party gets busted
Shotgun a Claw for every 15 minutes you wait in the Jug line and do 12 jumping jacks to stay warm
Smoke a bowl if you make it back up to frank without yakking on the Cruiser.
Finish the handle if you end your night by dry humping a freshman lacrosse player in his dorm room while his roommate is sleeping 5 feet away.
*Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag encourages safe behavior when drinking. If you do something stupid, you have no right to be upset when we laugh at you after reading the Blotter.
SGA “Bring Your Parents to Fraturday” Event Schedule
HAMILTON, NY—Words do not suffice when explaining the Naturday-stained glory of Colgate Fraturdays to parents. Colgate Fraturday is something that needs to be experienced to be understood. That’s why for Family Weekend the Student Government Association (SGA) organized a Bring Your Parents to Fraturday event. Prior to the event, SGA handed out pamphlets to the student body, outlining the steps to a successful Fraturday with your parents. It’s a necessary guide to showing your parents a good time without letting them getting fully lost in the sauce, or scaring them into fearing for your well-being. Below is the approximate schedule for the ideal Bring Your Parents to Fraturday.
Start your day by shotgunning some Nattys in the shower, because nothing says “wholesome” quite like a father-son, or mother-daughter, dorm pregame. While your parents are distracted by talking to your roommate or taking photos for the religious Facebook posts that fill the void of middle-aged boredom, down a few more shots. This is crucial, as you must not reveal the ease at which binge drinking now comes (thank you, Colgate!), but you still need to get fucked-the-fuck-up today. This is really a chance to pop off, because what Campo officer is going to stop you and intrude on family fun as you stumble down Broad Street with Mom and Dad?
Next up, time to take your parents’ Lax House-virginity, because they simply can’t leave campus without seeing our favorite sporty boys. Waltz right past all of the Johns and Ryans, stopping only if dad wants to get a sharpie tat on his cleavage while discussing which Boston suburb John/Ryan grew up terrorizing. Wow your parents with the grace and class of mystery mixies made on sticky tables that haven’t been cleaned since the 90s.
From here, boogie on over to Theta Chi at 52 Broad Street, but please be sure to avoid the swarms of bees that B&G continues to ignore. Make sure Mom and Dad have already had plenty to drink, otherwise you’ll enter dangerous territory with Tach’s watered-down Jug of Recipe 21. Dance with them under the strobe lights and rotting moose head to “Kill the Lights”, but don’t get on any elevated surfaces. We know we feel invincible under the influence, but trust that parents’ backs and knees are not.
Next on your agenda is a pilgrimage to your post-Fraturday meal location of choice. Rig and the Eatery are good options for the more sophisticated and less-black out, but if your parents’ standards are equally as low as yours, take them to Main Moon. Delicious in the moment, and everyone will have the same MSG farts at brunch tomorrow.
Now your parents might be feeling a nap at this point, but you cannot, emphasis on cannot, let them take a break if you want them to make it to the DU Saturday night open. Things can get touchy here, you may or may not need to offer suplemental substances, whether it be addy, blow, weed, more booze, or a k-hole for the most adventurous parent. Find a middle hours to post at while the sun goes down and let Mom post a sloppy Facebook story. It’s all about authenticity, people.
Once the clock strikes 10, you know where to go, folks. The Delta Upsilon brotherhood will welcome your parents with open arms and plenty of Raider Football gear. Play a little pong, do a little dance, and get down with the parentals. The second you spot your booty call of late, though, make a run for the door. No one needs that interaction, but your parents definitely need to meet John and Michelle Jug. The Jug, it’s a wonderful, timeless horror. After convincing your parents to be the ones to venmo Michelle on your behalf, pull them past the sloppy freshmen to the middle and bust out your dad dance moves. Get them to buy you some Vodka Crans, but do not let them go to the bathroom. They don’t need to see that nightmare, but they do need to see the sea of college students making out on the dance floor. If so inclined, they DFMO as well, but maybe make your exit before then. Send a cute goodnight text from your earlier booty call’s bed, and look forward to the hungover brunch the next day where no one acknowledges the lines crossed the day before. Happy Family Weekend!
Despite Lead in Water, Chobani Café Remains Most Pressing Issue on Campus
HAMILTON, NY — Earlier this month, a school-wide email was sent out regarding the high levels of lead detected in water supplies for certain on-campus residences. Despite the shocking detail that the elevated lead levels were discovered by a Chem student and not Colgate’s own Department of Environmental Health and Safety or even Buildings and Grounds, most students either ignored the email or said, “meh,” and deleted it.
As testing of other buildings ensued, and continued to find more residences with high levels of lead in the water, students continued to not give a shit. By press time, nearly the entirety of Broad Street, as well as university-owned apartments on College Street, were operating with non-potable water. Also by press time, not a single member of the student body who gave a shit could be identified.
University officials have been shocked at their ability to get away with little to-no communication on the matter, considering the fact that the majority of upperclassmen on campus are living without potable water in their residences. “It’s amazing how when you’re actually screwing them over and it’s not just honey mustard in the Coop, you can get away with murder. Or lead poisoning,” Executive Director of Alumni Relations and Fuck Them Kids Yo Phineas Büderneepples said, “Wait, was that on the record?” No worries, Phineas. No one cares.
Further Rag investigation into #LeadGate found a publicly accessible page on the Colgate website listing all of the lead test results from a number of the Broad Street residences, including Bunche House, Kappa, and GPhi, all showing at least 10 times the EPA-actionable limit of lead in parts per-billion. Despite the highly-toxic levels of lead with results publicly available for literally anyone to read, the student body has showed absolutely zero interest in the issue. For a group of young adults who get up in arms over just about anything, sending angry emails over salad bars and giving petitions to cancel class signatures in the thousands, the current reaction is a truly unsettling deviation from the norm.
When the Rag reached out to students for comment, we could barely get anyone to look up from their copies of the Maroon-News. Finally, after shaking one junior boy from his stupor, he looked up and said, “The only thing I give a shit about right now is how awful the Chobe is and emailing Brian Casey about when the cinnamon twists are coming back.” Turns out, Colgate students can only be mad about one thing at a time.
Depressed, Stressed, but Always Well-Dressed
Alright, gather round kids, ‘cause this is a fun one! We all know and love April as the most depressing month of the school year. Nothing quite like having five papers and two presentations due in the same week, just to add a little spice to the emotional breakdowns you’ve been having with the realization that you’ve got no job and all your friends are about to abandon you. You’re sentimental and sleep deprived, and not in a good way! Which is why it’s time for––wait for it–– FOOOORRRMAAALL. That’s right, Colgate, you’re gonna get dressed all fancy and booze real hard, and snapchat it all while pretending you’re not on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Cute.
Supplies:
- (1) Handle of Grey Goose
- (0) no chaser
- Open Bar at the Corral
Rules:
- Player with the most points at the end of the night wins
- SPEED ROUND: Kill the handle with your date before the buses leave (that’s in, like, 20 minutes) (+10 points)
- Take pictures without crying (+2 points)
Student Spotlight: The Beta Shitter
HAMILTON, NY — Growing up in Scarsdale, New York in Westchester County, the Beta Shitter came from a lower upper class family. While growing up, BS often struggled with feelings of inadequacy.
“Do you know what it’s like to grow up with only two yachts in Westchester? I was bullied, harassed, embarrassed almost daily. Kids would steal my ascot, pull my lapels, hide my cufflinks, step on my Sperry’s. It was horrifying! You don’t fucking know the pain I’ve endured,” BS said.
Since he was a young kid, BS dreamed the American Dream, or FBGM—”Fuck Bitches, Get Money.”
“Dude, I fucking knew I was gonna get tons of puss when I came here. These girls are LOOSE man! Anyway, now that I’ve declared my major I’ve really had to scale back on the punnany. Econ man, shit takes time,” BS said wistfully.
While BS always had the FBGM dream, he didn’t expect that he would become a campus hero.
“Campus legend, bitch! Let’s put this straight, I’m a campus LEGEND! God, it was fucking hilarious to shit on those pricks’ porch. I wish I could’ve seen their faces… Man, time really flies,” BS reminisced.
When asked about his opinion on the so-called “copycat” from this year, BS bristled.
“What the fuck are you talking about? Copycat?! Copycat?! The guy from Curtis or Drake or wherever the hell wasn’t making a statement. He wasn’t squatting in solidarity with his sisters. No—that dick was drunk and pooped in an innocent person’s dorm. That’s some Beta shit right there. Man, it gets me heated whenever they try to compare me to him. People think I just took a shit on a porch. They don’t understand the dedication that it took. The clarity of mind. The goddamn artistry,” BS said.
When asked if he has any more statements on the horizon, BS was reluctant to share any specifics.
“Man, you’ll just have to wait and see. I’ve got some ideas, but you’ll just have to wait and see,” BS said.
Local Student Publication Struggling Amidst Finals Week
HAMILTON, NY — As the 2018-2019 school year is coming to a close, it should be no surprise that everyone is, to quote an unnamed student in the stressful cesspool of emotion and rage that is Case Library, “fucking FUCKED. FUCKING BIG FUCKING FUCKED BIG FUCKING TIME. FUCK.” We here at the Rag would like to emphasize this mysterious student’s (rather loud and abrasive) statements: we are fuuuuuucked.
Not as in “we, the student body,” but as in “we, The Monthly Rag.” We’re the “Local Student Publication,” as if it were a surprise to anyone; we’re not exactly subtle. As of time of writing, we have received a total of thirty-three death threats (each stylized a la the Saw franchise), six cease-and-desist requests, and one of our editors–one Jared 🅱️osen–is literally on fire. He has been for about four days. We don’t know what this says about his pain tolerance or his awareness of his surroundings, but we do know it’s probably not healthy.
All of this struggle comes with an additional problem that we here at The Rag believe plagues a majority of clubs on campus: student extracurricular participation is at an all-time low due to the stress of finals. The club leader of the “Completely-Real-and-Not-Made-Up Club, A. Human, had the following to say about the matter:
“There was once a point where we had a solid core group of people really interested in what our club represents, but now, our meetings our lucky to pull more than three people. It’s incredibly disheartening to see students pulled away from their interests to combat the incredible grade-deflation that Colgate is known to have.”
When pressed about the concept of grade deflation, an unnamed member of the Colgate administration scoffed and said, “Fuck them kids, bro! Look around bro; look at life! You see these trees, man? You see this water? Come on, man; you got so much more to appreciate, man.” While these comments were initially confusing, further investigation revealed that a majority of the administrative body had turned to listening to upbeat 2017 pop-rap in efforts to improve communication with the student body. Thus far, results have been positive–albeit you can only go up from rock-bottom.
Rag “Fucking Drippin’ in Sauce”
HAMILTON, NY — The Monthly Rag recently acquired some pullover sweatshirts—and it is no overstatement to say that they are “fye.” The pullover is black, with a crest in the front-left with the motto “The pen is mightier” inscribed in the bottom of the crest. On the back, the saying “13 Stories Written by 13 Writers After 13 Beers” is written out. Multiple members of the Monthly Rag have reported an increase in: body count, lip bites in their direction, winks in their direction, and general lust directed toward their soul. The new swag has created a real stupor among the Colgate population.
“Oh god..they’re just so fucking cool. Do you know if [redacted] is single? I’ve just never seen so much drip in my life. Oh lord, the ambiguous motto just… Does it mean 13 writers drank 13 beers between them or does it mean they each drank 13 beers? God, I don’t care. I just want [redacted] right now,” first-year Nadie NoOne said.
This much sauce, however, has caused some friction among the Rag members.
“I just don’t know man. Do they want me for my fucking handsomeness or for my sauce? It’s a real mind-fuck, man. It’s keeping me up at night, man,” Rag member Great Personality Jared said.
The lust hasn’t been limited to the students either.
“Dude, I was just in Frank getting some food when this lady just comes up to me and my friends. It was fucking wild. She says she fucks with, like, the Rag and shit. And I’m like ‘Aight, dope.’ Then she’s like ‘I don’t always fuck with it.’ And I’m like ‘Bet? Aight then.’ So, like, basically, she wanted my dick,” a first-year Rag member said.
Despite the general lust for the new Rag pullovers, there have been some students that don’t appreciate the aesthetic.
“Does [redacted] not fucking have anything else to wear? [Redacted] has worn it to French all damn week. He has like six fucking stains on it! And one of them looks crusty as fuck… Just, uhhhh, wash it for God’s sake!” senior Todos EveryOne said.
Although some students’ jealousy will get in the way of their fashion sense, the Rag has vowed to persevere.
“Fuck him! This—this is just some lotion I dropped on it. My elbows get ashy!” an anonymous Rag member said.
Girls Dirty Rush Handbook
HAMILTON, NY — Lace up your Supergas, put on the best ripped jeans you own and order some odd-shaped rose-colored glasses on Amazon. Its girls dirty rush szn! What does that entail, you might ask? Here at the Rag, we have the answers. We’ve put together this handy guide to help freshmen and confused upperclassmen alike with the process known as sorority dirty rush. For the woefully confused, let’s get a few basics out there: Dirty rush is all about getting hammered with people you barely know and just hoping that someone was sober enough to remember your name or at least save your phone number. The more ‘pregames with friends’ you get invited to, the better shape you’re in. Come fall, rushee’s can use the connections they made to get a bid because of your conversation skills, and totally not because you and Becky in Kappa went to the same High School in Westchester. Here are some tips from a junior girl who asked to remain anonymous. “First, you should totally try to dress to match the group you’re hanging out with”, she said. “The more people who are confused if you’re a sister or not, the better”. The junior continued on, advising freshmen to keep an ear out for these key phrases: “Omg i love your outfit”, “wanna come pregame with my friends???” and “Heyyy, so where are you from” which, she told The Rag, are all symbols that you’re on the right track to get invited to dirty rush events. A vast difference from being invited ‘down to the house to play with the bros’, dirty rushing for girls is all about pretending you haven’t talked to any other groups when really you’ve been to 5 different pregames in the past week and you lost track of the number of times you’ve answered the question “so where do you think you want to rush next year?”. Finally, it’s crucial to play it cool: never refer to an event as a dirty rush, everyone knows it’s just ‘hanging out with my upperclassmen friends’. Feel free to use this handbook liberally, and don’t forget to thank The Rag during recruitment next year when you’re light years ahead of the fucking losers who didn’t dirty rush.
Students Skip Class to Avoid Game of Thrones Spoilers
HAMILTON, NY — Over the past several weeks multiple professors have entered their Monday classes to find a staggeringly low number of students. While typically most don’t find a 9 am detox cum Legacies a particularly invigorating way to start their week, even in classes with 15% participation grade, large portions of the Colgate population were absent for their $200-a-session desk-nap. Professors and staff (who had begun an underground black-market based on reselling of hungover students the Juul pods they left in common rooms over the weekend) began to severely investigate the origin of these staggering low student turn-out.
“At first I thought they had just forgotten where the classroom was,” an introductory-economic professor stated, “it wouldn’t be the first time, last semester a half dozen of them forgot how stairs worked and just sat in the entryway of Pearson’s for three days. But after a while I noticed that those absent would usually show up to Wednesday and Friday classes, and I figured it was too much of a coincidence that they got lost the same day every week.”
Through the deep, underground, hard-hitting investigative skills members of the Rag staff had gained via osmosis of playing Clash of Clans in the chapel during the Anne Curry coloqueim, we were able to determine the real reason why students weren’t showing up to their regularly attended courses: Game of Thrones.
“People just won’t shut the fuck up!” one of the absent students (who would only give their fursona name so will be left anonymous cause we don’t fuck with that) said as a justification for their refusal to attend Monday classes, “I’m sorry I don’t have HBOfuckingGO like the rest of you, I have to wait till Tuesday before the Bosnian ear porn website I pirate it from posts it. It’s the only place to get a quality high-definition so I can count each hair on Samwell Tarly’s neck beard, I won’t settle to watch it any other way. But that means I have to wait a whole 48 hours to watch and by then people won’t stop spoiling it. I have to stay in seclusion.”
Several particularly (obsessively?) dedicated fans (freaks?) have begun bunkering themselves in the tunnels under Olin to ensure absolute seclusion and avoidance of potential pricks who may ruin the show that gives their lives some semblance of meaning. Armed to the teeth with cosplay weaponry and noise-cancelling headphones, they call themselves the Sunday Nights Watch, sworn to protect themselves from plot spoiler until they too can watch the show and spoil it for everyone else sainly invested in this overrated, televised Dungeons and Dragons with boobs.
The Monthly Rag 