HAMILTON, NY – Calamity struck Colgate when winter decided to exist. 13 founders with 13 dollars each decided that the best location for a school three hours from the Canadian border was on top of a hill. Rumor has it that the oldest hazing ritual was simply going down from West to Taylor Lake without slipping on the perilous ice and experiencing 13 fractures on the way. Such an activity is a favorite for the Campus Safety officers as they watch students tumble when they enter and exit Frank Dining Hall. 

“The actual act of falling is a spiritual experience if you ask me. The moment I dislocated my shoulder my mind transferred to the life I could have had at a warmer school like UCLA,” said local Colgate student Bryan Orkin. Unfortunately, any further explanation by Bryan was cut short by the sound of the incoming ambulance. 

“You know, aside from awkward car coitus, watching people fall from the warm interior of my van is probably my favorite activity at Colgate,” said Campus Safety officer S. Lippy, who at the time of interview had just recovered from three minutes of solid laughter as he removed the salt that was placed in front of Frank. 

When pressed for explanation on why this brings such great joy to him, S. Lippy simply laughed and pointed members of the press to the freshman boy who had done a split for the first time in his life. 

“It’s not just all fun and games here. There’s a practical reason for all this too. If I see someone fall I have reason to believe that they are intoxicated. You can’t be prejudiced if you have a seven second loop of the perpetrator on Snap.” explained Campus Safety officer T. Ryhardt, as he was keeping a keen eye on the incarcerated sophomore girl in the backseat. Sophomore girl Kierstan Stone was still in bewilderment of the whole situation and promptly asked the officer, “Why am I being taken in a squad car? I can walk fine” to the answer “So I can charge you a transportation fee for wasting Campus Safety’s time as you take time away from our more dire duties.”

HAMILTON, NY — A brief, yet passionate relationship came to an end last month, although its death-rattle still echoes throughout the campus. “I thought for sure it’d work out!” bemoaned Chad J. Bildungs when we caught him outside his Broad Street residence Wednesday morning. “Sometimes, even one night together is too much to ask,” he added, definitely not sniffling. A glimmer of a tear may have been seen in Mr. Bildungs’ eye before he revved the engine of his Hummer and drove off the front lawn of his residence, but for the sake of the integrity of the press, we at the Monthly Rag present this as mere speculation. No one else at Mr. Bildungs’ residence was available for additional comment, although several seemed similarly distraught. The underlying cause of Mr. Bildungs’ histrionics was not, in fact, a Tinder match gone wrong, but something more nefarious – a seemingly failed attempt of the College Republicans to bring political figure Ben Shapiro to campus. While the College Republicans’ intentions with Mr. Shapiro were presented to the SGA as nothing but honorable, an anonymous tip that the group had more planned for Mr. Shapiro led the Rag to investigate this matter more deeply.

Rumors that “speechifying” and “question and answer sessions” were merely euphemisms for something more salacious were only the tip of this iceberg. (As a side-note, iceberg lettuce is now the only type of green, leafy vegetable sanctioned by the Rag staff due to the recent romaine fiasco, and we all know it’s only a matter of time until kale gets recalled too, that leafy fucker.) However, despite the amorous advances of the College Republicans towards their Messiah, it appears that, like a one-night stand gone wrong, Mr. Shapiro has ghosted his ardent followers.

“It started off slowly at first,” the same tipster whispered into the phone line, a call that one of us here at the Rag was unlucky enough to receive at 1:37 am on a Wednesday morning, which would have been an ideal time to be getting drunk instead of listening to this hot mess. (Not to be confused with the Cobra Starship song of the same name – this was considerably worse.) “First, he stopped responding to our ‘wyd?? ; p’ messages. Then, he let our Snapchat streak die. What kind of a monster does that?” the whisperer furiously continued, “I am sharing this so you can spread the news to never trust a Republican. They are nothing but bad news and heartbreak.” At this point, the call dissolved into muffled sobs, and the line was cut off, presumably by one of the other people at his residence.

And thus ends this tragedy, which can be best summed up in the words of mediocre sonnet-writer William Shakespeare: For never was a story of more woe, than this of the College Republicans and their Mr. Shapiro.

The Monthly Rag ardently refutes any claim that we tracked the phone used by the anonymous tipster in order to get a statement for the start of this article. If these people are indeed one in the same, that is just sheer coincidence. Shame on you.